I am unsure how to sustain myself on self love alone. I grew used to regular servings of Mike’s love; and, now, I am adapting to a strange sustenance that never seems to fill me the way his love once did. No matter how much love I feed to myself, I am never fully satisfied. I am not content on a diet of self love. The love I have for myself is hearty and solid, but it does not appeal to me like Mike’s love. His love was pure and my version of self love feels manufactured. At best I am force feeding love to myself. It feels awkward and lacklustre; and it is nowhere near as good as the love I shared with Mike, but it’s what I’ve got. It is a start.
Widowed Memories
Please Pass the Salt
When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?” I said. “I’ll eat anything else.” “You’ll eat what’s put in front of you.” said my Dad. He […]
Acceptance
My awakening was the rationalization that Suzanne was truly gone. It didn’t actually take very long after she died. In fact, I woke up, bolt upright, in the middle of the night around a month after she died and had that sudden overwhelm of emotion and knowing that she was never, ever coming back.
It was in that moment that I realized that she was truly gone. She hadn’t just “slipped into the next room” or “gone away and would be right back.”
No. I was fully conscious of the fact that she had died.
The Years in Time~
I write about Time frequently.
Quite often, in fact.
It’s a subject that has fascinated me since Chuck’s death~
All too Familiar
Recently, I felt like I was gaining traction. Finally, after 3.4 years, I felt like I was starting to reenter life. And, then, COVID19 forced me into the familiar holding pattern of early grief. I feel the paralysis of fear taking over again; and, this feeling of being frozen by doubt and trepidation is all too familiar. The emerging anxiety and unease are definitely affecting my psyche. I feel myself sliding into the familiar landscape of early grief and it scares me.
I wake up each morning, and like in the days following Mike’s death, I just lay there because I have no desire to rise from my bed. My familiar routine is lost and this has me in a tailspin. Once again, my life has been shaken up and I am not responding favorably to the changes COVID19 is forcing on me. Right now, I feel like my life is on hold. Only this time, I am forced into a holding pattern because of a deadly virus, not Mike’s sudden death.
Season of Anger
I try to stay pretty positive but I’m already furious at all of those people who are complaining they are going crazy being stuck at home with their spouses and their children. I understand how this weird situation can be on everyone but can they just manage one week of being inconvenienced before jumping on […]
Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020
This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip. The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control. Nothing in life is constant.
The only thing certain in our lives is change. Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis. I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died. Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me. *Sigh.
Gravely Grateful
“I wished he was dead!” she said. “I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction. The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how […]
In Sickness and In Health
Over the 19-months since she died, I have thought a lot about the vows we took. It was not easy, but I stuck by them as did many of the widows and widowers I have met in the time since I became one.
I took my vows seriously. Especially, the “in sickness and in health. Til death do us part” bit. All of us who have been widowed likely did the same.
For me, it is hard to remember times when she wasn’t sick–or at least had not already been sick. We used to joke about how all I wanted was to have a simple life, but wanted to drive a really nice car. Suzanne would always say, “Well, you always wanted to drive a Ferrari. You never realized you married one…”
Tracing Time~
My fingers glance gently over the clocks in the hall,
Measuring time that carries no meaning.
My slippered feet wander past rooms of memory.
Arriving in Community
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]
Friends
When I became a widower, I was hopelessly lost. My senses went into overdrive and my feelings were so intense and alien to me, I was in a complete state pf panic and a total fog. It felt like I was in a freefall.
The saving grace were the friends and family that showed up for me in that moment.