I don’t know that I have anything in me to write about tonight. I’m tired to my bones. My brain, my mind, my body, my bones. All this covid shit has just worn down my already kind of fragile sense of self. I’m tough as nails on the one hand. Sure of myself as I […]
Widowed Memories
Marry Me (Version 2020)
Four years later, it is time to focus on the life I have, not the life that was supposed to be. But, this is much easier said than done. I don’t know much for certain, but I can say, I’m not as lost without him anymore. I don’t know why or how, but I am able to live without Mike with more ease now. I have finally accepted that Mike died and he is never returning.
I originally wrote parts the original blog, “Marry Me”, two years ago; and the good news is that my grief has changed since then. Sure, I still imagine our life in my head, but I do it in a less “desperate” way. I’m less frantic now. I’m more at peace, thankfully.
I know and understand that the life I shared with Mike is over. I accept the finality of it. I never thought I would, but I finally have accepted his death. I now can accept his death in my head AND in my heart. Wow. That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this in writing. It’s taken me, nearly four years but I’m finding my way back to life again.
Little Earthquakes
I’ll admit his sudden absence after having been home 24/7 for the past few months definitely has the triggers talking. It’s as if the widow part of me is suddenly on high alert because a person is here less than normal and it doesn’t compute. It only knows to be worrying that this means death and pain are coming.
Lost Belonging
When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]
Potential & Change
I want you to know a few things. After Suzanne dies, you will feel like there is little potential of anything ever making your life any better. Did you know that you will be scared, hurting, very much alone (even surrounded by friends and family), completely lost, and heartbroken? Please know that although you could potentially just curl up in a ball and die from that heartbreak, you won’t.
Potential is an interesting word. It means, “having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.” When Suzanne dies, you will feel like there really is no future to develop into.
When that time comes, all you will want to ask yourself is, “What’s the point?” I mean, there won’t be a single thing that truly appeals to you as having any real potential for your future.
One Stood Up Widow
Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a point in our life where we can begin to date again. I know Clayton would want me to […]
Dreams, Love and Gratitude
I wrote about unconditional love and gratitude some weeks ago, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing about these things again. Well, I’m not writing specifically about those same topics as I shared then. Instead, I want to share about these three things together: dreams, love and gratitude.
What do I mean? To me, these things are inseparable.
My life’s dreams always included some form of love and gratitude. Those dreams have always been about true love and what it means to me. But my dreams were also my hopes for a future. They were what I thought I was meant to do.
Just…This…
I hope, someday, if it hasn’t already happened for you, that life allows you to experience the beautiful intimacy of fully entrusting your body, your heart, your soul, your very being, into the hands of a man who will hold it tenderly, and with care. Who will cherish the gift of all you are, and […]
Mothers’ Day
This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death. Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33. She looks like her. A real “bean pole” right now. At this age, she’s more concerned about video games, reading, riding her bike, and texting her friends than anything else. From the outside looking in, it’s almost as-if she’s forgotten about her mother.
Falling Backwards
Over the last week, I have been hit by several large waves of grief. Quite frankly, it sucks. It has been a long time since I have felt like this.
First, I want to talk about triggers and what I think kicked it off for me, so starting with a bit of a rant here. While much of the time, I am and remain hopeful about my life and about us as a society, the triggers that drove me to feel the way I did last weekend were simply signals to me that things are not always going to work the way I hope. That there will be times when I will know bitterness and disappointment. I will feel like I let myself down (and others).
But the key thing is, I know I can do better and even if it’s a matter of taking a tiny baby step forward and seeing the positivity and being grateful for the tiniest of successes, then that is a start. Will I always be able to overcome these bouts of grief? To quote Brian Wilson, “God Only Knows. And God only knows what I will be without” Suzanne…
Quarantined from Closure in a Garden of Grief
We find ourselves surrounded by closures of stores, restaurants, movie theaters, parks and beaches. Those are the closures we can tangibly see but there are so many more emotional situations we are closed off from. The one I’m feeling heavier than any other is a certain aspect of closure with the loss of a loved […]
Life Through a Found Object~
I have very few physical objects that have survived my 61 years, or my full time life of travel for the past 11 years. Except this one thing. This pink pic comb. I bought it back in the 70’s when I got my first perm. I was only 19 and I knew nothing about hair […]