My mother and my sister died in December. Meanwhile, my dad was born in December. He also nearly died during December, and easily could have, except, being strong and stubborn to the end, he held onto life for two days in January. My dead family tugs at my memory, though never more so than in […]
Widowed Memories
The Trickster of Grief
Forgetting “What did I do with my glasses?” I ask. “This is strange. I’ve looked everywhere.” This was me in my twenties, thirties, and beyond. This is me today. Five minutes ago. Perhaps if I’d gone to a Montessori school, things would be different. Nope. Forgetting has ever been a part of my norm. […]
Blue Christmas
This past week we did a few holiday activities. It seems I have been trying to fill my time as much as I can in the hopes that I don’t stop long enough to deeply feel what I’m feeling. I know this is probably not healthy, but the holiday season this year has been a […]
The Trees of Christmas Past and Future
This week I was able to head two hours north to retrieve my Christmas items to bring them to their new home. It is exciting to decorate and enjoy the holiday season in a new space, especially one that lends itself so perfectly to the season. Even without snow, a log home sets it […]
Yes, You Can
Lately, with the holiday season coming into full swing I’ve been feeling more and more overwhelmed. Another holiday season without Erik. Another holiday season where I’m the solo parent trying to create this magical joyful season for my kids when I feel very much the opposite. I’ve thought long and hard about scaling back Christmas. […]
Getting Back on the Write Road and a Tribute to Lonnie Hull Dupont
As I resettle in to life in to life in a log home in rural Florida, my creativity is encouraged by the slower pace of life and natural beauty of this area. Unpacking more boxes, I recently came upon a stash of books, mostly animal-rescue anthologies published by the Revell-Baker Group to which I’d contributed […]
Unexpected Weeping Session
Arrives as Gift It all started with a parrot, followed by two or more yapping chihuahuas. A din. The parrot screamed: Mom! Mom! Incessant barking sounded through the fence as loud, or louder, than a pack of small dogs sounding an alarm at close range. Were they being corralled? Or ostracized from being cozy […]
Sailing the Seas
Last year after we celebrated the twins’ birthday for the first year without Erik, I realized sitting in the quiet aftermath of the party that I did not want to do this anymore moving forward. I didn’t want to throw birthday parties the way we used to, without my husband, mostly as the twins share […]
the seed of me
what shape waits . . . the shape of what was what is what will be transformation. how am I different? or the same? in the seed of you . . . the seed of me of sorrow of grief of survival of resilience of gratitude i am the seed of yesterdays i am the […]
Colder Weather
With my second Thanksgiving without Erik right around the corner, I find myself getting multiple flashbacks of all our past Thanksgivings. Thanksgiving was the first time I introduced Erik to my family a decade ago. The thought of another year with an empty seat with his name on it sets in more this second time […]
Church of Beginnings and Endings
About three weeks ago, I attended a funeral at the church where Tony and I were married. It was the first time I had been in that church since his passing. The service that day was for one our close friend’s mother. So I was there in a supporting role versus a griever. As I […]
The Last Thanksgiving
Trigger alerts for: addiction, depression, and bitter sweet holiday memories. The last Thanksgiving that Mario and I had together was in 2020. It was the pandemic year, so we didn’t have a large group. It was just his dad, my parents, and a friend of ours. No one really knew it would be the last […]