My siblings and I are renovating my Mom’s family home in the Philippines. Our Aunt passed away last year, and left her estate to the three of us (she and my Mom were the only siblings, and my Aunt had no children). We are in the long process of renovating the home. I was only 5 years old the first time I visited my grandparents’ home, yet I vividly remember how it instantly felt like home, because my Mom clearly considered it home as well, despite having already moved to the United States. Every time I have “gone home” to the Philippines, I feel a connection and nostalgia for this property and four walls that emotionally and spiritually feels like it goes earlier than when I was born. Since my Mom, Aunt, and grandmother – all incredibly powerful and impactful women – have all passed, this is the home that holds so much of their spirit and witnessed the actions that became their legacy.
My Aunt had created a town museum on the property, and after she passed, my father renovated the building into a beautiful, artistic edifice. It is a perfect testament to the life work of my Aunt, towards constant learning and and preserving the history of different cultures. And now, it’s the Home’s turn for a makeover…
It’s exciting AND bittersweet. I cannot help but wonder, is this what they / she would have wanted? How much weight should even be put on the question of what they would have wanted? I think about how the property will be updated, and how it will be given a fresh start to the next chapter. And then I feel guilty and sad that my Mom, Aunt, and Grandma will never have physically taken step into the new space. How we will enjoy and make new family memories, and they will never physically be a part of them – DESPITE being the very reason we are able to make those memories and have amazing experiences.
It made me remember the years after Lynn passed, and how I “suddenly” won all our arguments regarding home changes that we did not agree on. And yet, of course, it did not feel like a win. It almost felt like a loss – now I was “stuck” alone with the projects. And it felt bittersweet and guilty to admire the changes.
And inevitably, people will say, “They would want you to be happy.” “They don’t care, they don’t need that space anymore.” “They have moved on – and you need to move on also.” “You need a fresh start.” Blah blah blah… lol
Bittersweetness is a feeling that has been forefront in my grief journey – especially in the earlier years. I learned that it was possible to feel joy and excitement, while missing someone. That you can grieve and STILL move forward in life. It is now a very comfortable feeling and way of life for me. It is integrating and valuing all the feelings – even if it feels contradicting to one another.
