I love the Gilmore Girls, which originally aired from 2000 – 2007, then was revived by Netflix in a 4 episode series in 2016. The revived episodes follows the current lives of the 3 main characters (daughter, mother, and grandmother) 9 years after the original series ended. I loved most of the revived episodes.
I recently read an article on the interwebs about the grandma “Emily,” who in the revived version had recently lost her husband. They were wealthy, and Emily had lived her life as the stereotypical “wealthy wife,” conducting luncheons, keeping the household staff in check, and putting on “charity functions.” She was VERY prim and proper. The article held a point of view I had not thought about when I first watched the 4 episodes years ago. It said, “When Richard died, Emily Gilmore did something remarkable – she dismantled her life, and built a new one in place. Initially, Emily did all the things one does after losing the love of their life…” It talks about how Emily wallowed in bed, kept herself busy going thru household items and getting rid of things. As she used the Marie Kondo style of decluttering, she asked herself, “Does this bring me joy?” She then started looking at other aspects of her life, and asked if they brought her joy. One thing she got rid of, was her and Richard’s mansion, realizing it no longer felt like home without Richard. Of course, those around her thought the grief was causing her to be confused and make poor decisions.
As she did this, she began to realize she no longer wanted to do the things she had done most of her life, in the roles she lived, in adherence to societal norms. She moved to Nantucket, started wearing jeans (gasp!), and reinvented herself in a new chapter of life. The article says, “She chose a life that felt aligned. She still loved Richard. She also loved herself enough to begin again. And that, at 72, is not decline. It’s power.”
What a wonderful and interesting perspective! When I read this, I thought, how wonderful that Emily either gave herself permission, or did not even consider if she needed permission to embark on journey of learning who she was now. And that she accepted that it was okay if it “looked” incredibly different. She did not worry about societal acceptance, or about the whispers behind her back, or even about offending the ladies she once spent so much time making sure everything she did adhered to her social status.
What I particularly love is, she still loved Richard. And, when he passed, her identity as his wife looked different. I relate to this, though it is hard to articulate. I was Lynn’s partner, and I loved that role, I still do. I became her widow, and my early journey as her widow, and my grief journey, including ensuring that some aspects of my life stayed the same as when she was alive. Silly examples, but, for the early years, I still did not eat Blue Cheese dressing because she hated it, I kept all the furniture that was hers – furniture she loved primarily because it was her parents’ furniture, and other odd sentimental-based behaviors. At one point, I remember telling myself – try Blue Cheese Dressing! It felt rebellious and slightly disloyal… and I liked it! Honestly, I partly likely because it felt rebellious.
Little things like the Blue Cheese Dressing examples are little victories that lend to truly believing I can lean into learning who I am. Yay for Emily Gilmore – she leaned into exploring who she was after Richard passed. I believe that takes a special kind of bravery and vulnerability…and I look forward to feeling it for myself.
