Whenever my daughtyer and I sleep next to each other there is a space beside us. When I am getting Anisha ready for school there is a space next to us. When we sleep next to each other, there is a space next to us. When we have breakfast, lunch and dinner, there is a space next to us. When we walk to a playground, there is a space next to us.
Widowed Emotions
Shaken, Foggy, Shocked
Yesterday, I was driving to my Soaring Spirits Widowed Social Group meetup that I co-lead. We meet 2x per month, at various coffee shops and restaurants and such. We provide friendship, support, and a place to safely be our widowed selves, whether thats crying, laughing, venting, or anything in between. Yesterday we met at a new…
Nice to Meet You
When your spouse has a long-term, terminal illness, it’s very easy to devote all of your attention to their well-being. I rationalized for years that there was quite literally nothing as bad as what Megan was going through, so anything regarding my own health or person was minimal. It wasn’t healthy in and of itself, but in the grand scheme…
“By Now…”
Lately I’ve been feeling some sort of an emptiness. After Drew died, for a lot of years, I was doing a lot of creative work around my grief. I was finding visual ways to express this inner world and sharing it with others. There was something about that work that felt so purposeful. It felt like I was doing something important for myself, and…
Fragile Confidence
My daughter has a friend over for a playdate today and it has been a good introspective snapshot of where I am at. I keep thinking that I have all of this new confidence, but some remnants of the old me remain, like persistent weeds that always finds new tunnels to the surface. My daughter has a friend over for a playdate…
A Thousand Years Ago~
A thousand years ago I leaned down Placed my hands to each side of your sunken cheeks Closed my eyes, As yours were closed, And so very gently kissed your lips that had gone completely white As you took your last breath.A thousand years ago As I kissed your lips, As I’d kissed them thousands of times before This time now, for the last time… My…
Hiking Ahead
Shelby has now, quite literally, walked in her mother’s shoes. It’s odd to me that, at the age of 12, she actually fits in them, but then again, she isn’t stricken with the growth-impeding disease the Megan had. After buying her new hiking shoes and boots for years, we decided to have her try on Megan’s last pair. They fit her almost…
“Me Too”
I’ve felt abnormal my whole life. Ever since I became aware of how my own childhood with a single father who was an alcoholic was far different from the seemingly idyllic 2 parent households of all the other kids at my private school. I’ve never fit in. I’ve never felt like I fit in. Largely, because of death and grief. When my mom died, I…
Defiantly Defined
So this blog is a bit different than I usually write. This week I’ve been obsessed with terminology. Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought about words? Where did they come from? How they got their meaning and if they fit? Well it hit me this week that I HATE the terms widow and widower. I think the definitions are ridiculous and need to…
Socializing While Grieving
Seems like being a widower means adjusting my view of the world to an existence of being damaged, marred and/or scarred for the rest of my life. Life is now about managing the constant reminders of love lost. Maybe, just like my poor eyesight, my grief is becoming a deficit that I will have to carry forward as I am constantly reminded…
Trauma Return
Yesterday something happened at a doctors office that sent me straight back into 23 years ago, when I just barely lived through a traumatic event, and joined the ranks in becoming the 2-words that I would grow to absolutely loathe ,and feel shame about for a very long time: rape victim. After awhile, I began shifting from using the term…
Outsider
A month from today, Sarah, Shelby, and I will be hitting the road for Texas. It is time for our annual “Drewfest” weekend, where Drew’s closest friends gather to remember him, celebrate him, and in general, have a fun time like the “good old days”. Personally, this will be my fifth Drewfest. I’ve been part of them since 2015, a few…