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Grief. Secondarily~

Posted on: February 27, 2019 | Posted by: Alison Miller

The easy affection between us.

The teasing.

The flirtatious wink across the room from him to me.

The sensation of electricity skimming across my skin when he entered a room where I was, even before I saw him.

The passion.

Holding hands.

The sweet kisses that lasted for at least 30 seconds because I’d read a book about relationships early on in our marriage that spoke about conscious kissing and he was always about learning.

The kisses that left me weak in the knees as he cupped my chin or put his hands on both sides of my head, drawing me into him.

His arm over and around me at night time.

Snuggling up to his back as we slept.

Hearing his voice on the phone when I called him at work or when he was away from home.

His use of military terminology.

My hand on the back of his neck, his hand resting on my knee, as we drove on adventures. 

His reasurrance through tough times.

Watching the sweat pour glisten on his arms when he cut down a tree with an axe because he never used a chain saw. He wanted the exercise. 

Exercise walking with him right after work, or every morning, no matter where we were, even as we traveled the roads of our country on our Happily Homeless travels.

The strength of his arm around me and my hand clasped in his as he led me across a dance floor. Or on grass soft beneath our bare feet.

The feeling of safety and security I always felt around him, both physically and emotionally.

The joy and happiness I felt just being around him, sharing our energies.

The ease of familiarity that never got old and only made the two of us feel even more passionate about one another.

Knowing that my heart was in good and strong and capable and loving hands.

The me I was with him, seeing myself through his eyes.

The strength I felt, knowing I was loved and cherished…

 

These are just a few examples of the secondary losses that I carry, living without the man I love.

 

             

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Widowed Memories, Widowed Emotions, Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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