When Drew died, all the rules went out the window for me. I remember thinking “I’ve done everything right. I’ve been a good, responsible person. I put up with a 9-5 job and I pay my bills on time. I’m kind to people. I exercise and try to eat right. By all accounts I am a perfectly sensible adult doing everything I should….”
And then HE DIED. And then I said FUCK IT.
I remember thinking, “What the hell was even the point of keeping all of my ducks in a row? Of trying to be so responsible? Of always doing what I’m supposed to do? What the hell is the point if he’s dead now?”
I went on a bender after that. I quit my job as a designer, because I hated it. I moved out of Dallas, because I hated it there too. I stopped paying my credit cards, because I didn’t care anymore. My credit tanked, all my cards canceled me because I was suddenly a liability because I hadn’t made a payment in 6 months. I basically stopped doing anything I hated and started doing things I really wanted to be doing instead. I got a job as a cashier at an art gallery, because I’d always wanted to work in a gallery. I moved in with family out in the country because I didn’t want to be around city life anymore. I just sort of took a leave of absence from life I guess.
I realize not everyone can make those kinds of choices. I didn’t have kids, or a house, or anything tying me down really at the time. I had the freedom to change it all. Regardless of that though, I think there is always room to do more of what we want, and less of what we don’t want. And I think giving ourselves permission to do even small things that we can still enjoy is so crucial during grief and really in all times of life. It reminds us what’s important, and that life is still worth living even in the midst of times of struggle and great pain.
I’ve been thinking about this lately more, because I feel like I’ve fallen back into a slump of not paying attention to what’s really important…
I’m not entirely sure why this is happening right now. Having a tight budget to stick to never helps. I’ve begun to feel myself saying more and more “I can’t to this because of money…” Instead of trying to think out a creative way that maybe I CAN do that thing, or a version of it. Winter in Ohio also does not help… the never-ending cold is pretty draining. I’ve found myself endlessly cleaning and reorganizing in the house the past few weeks… to an obsessive level. And while it does feel good to clear things out and organize, there is a point where it becomes avoidance and I’m pretty sure I’ve hit that point.
So, often when I sit down on Sunday mornings to write here, I read through the previous weeks posts by the other writers… and Alison Miller’s post “Over the Edge, Maybe” stood out to me this week. It was a reminder of the vibrant “Fuck it” attitude I used to have… when my grief was fresher and reminded me daily to live to the fullest. I think I’d like some of that back. I think giving myself permission to just live a little is what I’m really yearning for these days. I’m not entirely sure what that looks like right now… but at least I can be aware of it. At least for now, I can try and make some day-to-day decisions differently. Try to be more spontaneous. Try to invite more play and laughter and not worry so much about all the damn responsibilities. I mean really, did I give a shit whether the sink was full of dirty dishes when my fiance had just died? Or weather clothes were washed? Did it really matter? Does it NEED to matter so much now?
Sometimes I’m so grateful for the perspectives that grief has shown me… because I feel like it gave me a whole different set of eyes to see my life and the world with. It opened my heart and it gave me a whole other viewpoint, helping me to see more clearly what is really important in life. I still lose sight of that perspective from time to time though. Bills need paid, the house needs cleaned, etc. Sometimes I forget what’s important. Sometimes it’s just so much easier to just focus on what isn’t done, what I can’t do, or what still HAS to be done that I forget that I could instead focus on what I CAN do, what I WANT to do, and what the possibilities are. It’s such a simple perspective shift, but what a different it makes.
Like a pair of goggles I can put on, the perspective I gained from my grief is always there for me. It can help me to see past all the unnecessary crap and get down to the heart of what’s important to me… sharing experiences with those I love, creating things, and helping others. Funny enough, the dishes don’t need to be clean and I don’t need a dollar more or a minute more for ANY of those things to occur. I think it’s time I start remembering that, and make some more room again for what matters.