I did it. Maybe I didn’t outwardly realize I was doing it but I did it. I ignored the rising flood.For the past week I have made myself more and more busy. I have extended myself to help others beyond the norm. I have taken on more responsibility. It all seemed fine and balanced. Late to bed and early to rise with something pressing to think…
Widowed Emotions
Happy? What Does It Mean To Be Happy?
I know what it means to be sad, afraid and angry, but what does it mean to be truly, truly happy? Lately, I find myself feeling more and more bored with life—and it’s not the kind of boredom that comes from depression. It is a very different kind of boredom because it is SO much lighter! It is hard to explain, but it just feels lighter. …
Self-Caretaking
For much of my life, I have been what can best be described as “grumpy”. I’ve tended to over-react and or see the worst in things, and myself. Something as simple as going to the grocery store brought out a part of me that only wanted to see the worst of humanity, followed by a reaction resembling anger, then followed by regret and shame at…
When Hard Days Come
I’m feeling drained today. I’m feeling fragile. I didn’t sleep well. I’m still struggling with fears of other people dying, or of just how fleeting life is. I’m struggling with the idea of my own short life and how I sometimes wonder if I will feel I have lived it fully by the end. The cold weather here is really hanging on for dear life…
When Their Truth Hits
I’ve had very few visitors since Tin passed away. I don’t know if the reason is avoidance, being unsure of how I’ll be with guests or just that life goes on and we become too busy for the little things. Approaching the first anniversary of Tin’s passing, as the warmer month’s and spring break approaches, I’m starting to get the calls…
Anger, and Being Brown
Anger, my good friend, anger. You are so reliable, so constant, yet elusive, sometimes I can’t see you, but then suddenly you appear, snarl and bite. you are always there, always so patient, you never shut me down and tell me to look on the bright side, with you, I can ‘be dark’ and talk about death whenever and wherever I want. You are…
Thank You For Letting Me Talk
Why do you let my grief scare you? Why can’t I just talk about Natasha how ever I want? She was MY wife, not yours! Why can’t you just listen and try not to fix me? “You just need to focus on your daughter’s smile, and everything will be alright.” Why do you give me an arbitrary timeline and act as if it is the word of some…
It Gets Softer
When I first became widowed, I remember asking someone who had been a widow much longer than me, if the pain would ever get easier. Her response was: “Not easier, but softer. It gets softer. ” I didnt really understand what she meant. It has been almost 8 years since my husband Don’s sudden death. In the beginning, and for a very long…
Accepting Fear
Last week, I wrote about dealing with fear. More specifically, the fear of more bad things happening. Of the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it’s normal when you’ve experienced any major loss to begin to fear another one coming. So for the past six months or so, I’ve been having an increasingly big fear of someone else…
Trauma Triggers: Is This Still a Thing?
In July, it will have been 8 years since my husband’s sudden death from cardiac arrest bulldozed into my life. Eight years. There are so many days when I trick myself into thinking that Im really okay now and maybe this wont affect me anymore. And then I get knocked over by something such as this ……. On Wednesday, I went to the gym…
Empathy? Please Sir, May I Have Some More?
I find that my deams often reveal the detail of my grief. In a recent dream, my wife was scolding me for my parenting approach, “You too often let her get away with not eating fruits and veggies!” Clearly, I have not moved on from feelings of self-doubt about my parenting skills. I know most parents struggle with healthy food…
Quality Time
You may have noticed that last Tuesday, there was no post from me. In short, we had a major power outage at my work, starting the Sunday prior, and being the only IT person, it fell to me keep the business running. I left home Sunday evening, towards the office, and I was there until 3 A.M. or so. Then home for a few hours, then back to the…