Widow's Voice

The Changing of the Guards

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I did it. Maybe I didn’t outwardly realize I was doing it but I did it. I ignored the rising flood.

For the past week I have made myself more and more busy. I have extended myself to help others beyond the norm. I have taken on more responsibility. It all seemed fine and balanced. Late to bed and early to rise with something pressing to think about from dusk to dawn.  I kept placing sandbags up against the rising waters and ignored any emotional leaks. Eh they’ll go away. Well I was right. The leaks went away because the wall broke at the changing of the guards.

I ran around all week holding in the building anxiety that Clayton’s first anniversary is less than three weeks away. I fooled myself, saying that it is the day that is sad and not the lead up. Well it’s the lead up.

My Friday night and I finally had nothing to do. No second job, no cleaning, easy dinner. I ate and put the dishes in the kitchen sink. I’d get to them later. Time to relax. As I sank into the couch my heart sank into my stomach. I wasn’t busy. There was no guard on duty. I had nothing to distract me and I was alone. The damn broke and so did I.

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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