I did it. Maybe I didn’t outwardly realize I was doing it but I did it. I ignored the rising flood.
For the past week I have made myself more and more busy. I have extended myself to help others beyond the norm. I have taken on more responsibility. It all seemed fine and balanced. Late to bed and early to rise with something pressing to think about from dusk to dawn. I kept placing sandbags up against the rising waters and ignored any emotional leaks. Eh they’ll go away. Well I was right. The leaks went away because the wall broke at the changing of the guards.
I ran around all week holding in the building anxiety that Clayton’s first anniversary is less than three weeks away. I fooled myself, saying that it is the day that is sad and not the lead up. Well it’s the lead up.
My Friday night and I finally had nothing to do. No second job, no cleaning, easy dinner. I ate and put the dishes in the kitchen sink. I’d get to them later. Time to relax. As I sank into the couch my heart sank into my stomach. I wasn’t busy. There was no guard on duty. I had nothing to distract me and I was alone. The damn broke and so did I.