Whispers of memory
In the halls of Time
Drift through me
Like the clouds of mist
That suddenly appeared around us
as we wandered the soft ground of Muir Woods
so many years ago.
Memories that begin, now, with our final times together.
Me, huddled in the courtyard gardens of hospice
rocking to and fro on my knees,
arms hugging my body,
Pleading with all the gods of the Universe
to take you, to end your unbearable suffering.
Please please please please I silently screamed.
And then, suddenly, I’m in today
Living this life I’ve created for myself,
Living in a pink trailer, driving a pink car,
Working at opera camps and Renaissance Faires.
A life that is bizarrely different from anything I lived with you,
Mostly because it’s being lived without you and that in and of itself is grotesque to me.
Running my fingers over your back, stroking them along your arm,
My fingers still remember the ridges of your brow.
We have 3 more grandkids now,
Another on the way.
You fought so hard to stay conscious and drug free, in spite of the pain.
You wanted to be with us as long as you could.
I was dying along with you, as your tired body gave you less and less each day.
As my heart surged with panic and grief and Love for you.
I’m still here, D.
It’s fucking unbelievable to me that I’m still standing.
That I’m still sane.
That I can still laugh.
At least, it seems that it does.
You and i, sitting in the cushioned swing under our pergola in our flower garden laden backyard
Talking about our day, about our dreams, of our Love for each other…
You taking your last breath and every part of you, including your lips, turning shock white,
Making me a…widow.
Me, dressed out in every shade of pink,
Coloring my world with Love.
All the Love that you left behind for me.
Me…determined. Filled with grit.
Filled with Love
I miss you so~