Widow's Voice

Whispers of Memory~

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Whispers of memory

In the halls of Time

Drift through me

Like the clouds of mist

That suddenly appeared around us

as we wandered the soft ground of Muir Woods

so many years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Memories that begin, now, with our final times together.

Me, huddled in the courtyard gardens of hospice

rocking to and fro on my knees,

arms hugging my body,

Pleading with all the gods of the Universe

to take you, to end your unbearable suffering.

Please please please please I silently screamed.

And then, suddenly, I’m in today

Living this life I’ve created for myself,

Living in a pink trailer, driving a pink car, 

Working at opera camps and Renaissance Faires.

A life that is bizarrely different from anything I lived with you,

Mostly because it’s being lived without you and that in and of itself is grotesque to me.

Running my fingers over your back, stroking them along your arm,

My fingers still remember the ridges of your brow.

We have 3 more grandkids now,

Another on the way.

You fought so hard to stay conscious and drug free, in spite of the pain.

You wanted to be with us as long as you could.

I was dying along with you, as your tired body gave you less and less each day.

As my heart surged with panic and grief and Love for you.

I’m still here, D.

It’s fucking unbelievable to me that I’m still standing.

That I’m still sane.

That I can still laugh.

That life…happens.

At least, it seems that it does.

You and i, sitting in the cushioned swing under our pergola in our flower garden laden backyard

Talking about our day, about our dreams, of our Love for each other…

You taking your last breath and every part of you, including your lips, turning shock white,

Shocking me,

Making me a…widow.

What?

Me, dressed out in every shade of pink,

Coloring my world with Love.

All the Love that you left behind for me.

Me…determined. Filled with grit.

Filled with Love

For you.

Always Love.

Always, D.

Always.

Always.

Always.

I miss you so~  

                                   

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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