I’ve always thought through life on a grand scale – The excitement of positive possibilities. How magical it would be to have an amazing job, a beautiful home and grow old with a true love. I guess the problem with being a big dreamer, now that Clayton has passed away, is that with big dreams […]
Widowed Community
Fly the Coop
There remains a lot going on in my life as I transition from my house of fourteen years to my new home. I have been between homes since the end of April; and though I am unsettled, I feel fairly calm. My new life is starting to take shape and this is exciting. It has been 4.7 years since I have really felt any type of warm anticipation about anything substantial. The feeling of hopeful anticipation about my future has been foreign to me in grief. Hope feels like the feels from another life I used to live. But, recently, hope reigns supreme for me. I guess this is what thawing from grief feels like. Slowly, I have worked to come back to life and I am more than ready to reap the benefits of my hard work.
Toxic Perception
Bryan, what does growing through grief look like for you? I appreciate this question because it gives me an opportunity to share that my life looks very different each day. Overtime, my weeks and months have expanded in many directions. I posted on social media earlier this week holding a flower and sharing that I […]
Just-ified
“Just” – What a powerful word. “Were you just partners or where you married?” The word “just” has the power to completely negate every thought, word, blog, good deed I’ve ever done in Clayton’s honor. To some, we were “just”. Clayton and I were planning on getting engaged and married. If you are planning to […]
The Widowed Willow
When I was younger, I used to think that hardship and emotion showed a sign of weakness. That smaller, shorter, thinner-skinned Bryan was just always going to always be “Crying Bryan”. It stung to get bullied and it was tough to see others feel hurt. What I realize now is that those difficulties were toughening […]
My Why, Why, Why~
Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]
Daily Reflections on Love – part one
Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash I have a daily gratitude writing practice that started at the beginning of 2020. Megan had given me a gratitude diary for Christmas in which it was suggested you write five things that you had to look forward to that day, then one thing at the end of the […]
Magic Tears
I wish we were neighbors. I would come over with my cup and while we talked I would casually stir my tears into my coffee. Maybe my tears are magical. Maybe somehow, by swallowing them, the bitterness of living my life without him would dissipate. But, we aren’t neighbors. And, my tears aren’t magic. So, […]
A Widow’s 2020 Reflection
I am still wrapping my head around the new year…2020 felt so long, but then again it went by so fast somehow. Since mid-March when COVID-19 became an everyday reality for us in the U.S., I have been reflecting on how this year has changed so much of our lives, but how differently it impacted […]
A “Lakota Tradition” About Grieving
“In the Lakota tradition, a person who is grieving is considered most waken, most holy.”
It is not an alien concept. In many religions and belief systems (Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.), the bereaved are held in high regard and “revered” for a certain length of time, but what happens when that time is “over?”
L O V E
Rock me gently, Swaying to and fro. Let me feel your strength around me and The living might of your power Gather me into you So that I am consumed and immersed and suffused Grant me memory of all I had, and tenacity to hold steadfast To what I know to be truth everlasting. Bless […]
Focused Attention
I have done a lot of work on myself over the last two years since Suzanne died. This morning, I had a revelation.
My attention has still been scattered. The revelation came when listening to a podcast about brain science. It dawned on me that I must apply my attention to what has become most important to me. This means placing it on activities and relationships that serve me—and not just what I “think” I need to place my attention and focus on.