I’m writing this the night before celebrating my third anniversary without Drew. By the time you read it, I will likely be somewhere in the middle of the day itself. I don’t have to tell any of you how surreal it feels to be here – celebrating our three years together after three years without him. It has a different kind of sadness…
Widowed Anniversaries
Here and Now
In the past (almost) two years since my husband died, I’ve been able to negotiate time off work for all the big milestones: his birthday, our wedding anniversary, his death anniversary and even my birthday. This helped take the pressure of these challenging emotionally-charged days and let me focus on self-care, rest and just basically doing…
It’s June
That means my anniversary run… The 4th marks 4 years since our wedding day. The 11th marks 6 years since we met The 14th marks 3 years since Ian died. Come the 18th, he’ll have been gone loner than I knew him.I was talking to some people at church this week, and found I can easily rattle off how long it’s been since Ian died, but I really…
As Memories Fade
Today is the first day of June, and eight days from the first anniversary of my beloved husband’s sudden death. While last year, at this time, England was sweltering under a heat wave, the temperature has barely climbed above 55F (13C) this spring. I check the weather forecast obsessively, grasping for some sign of a sliver of warmth. I want to…
Letting Go of my Dream, Making Way for the New
For a long time after Dan died, I had a ritual of talking to him each night about my day. It helped me feel close to him, like he was still part of my life. My grief counsellor thought it was a healthy and helpful way of maintaining a relationship with him and it bought me a lot of comfort. I realised this week that at some point, this nightly…
Life Piles Up
It is the middle of May, now, and we are moving toward the anniversary of your death. Sunday, May 24th, is the day the police came to tell us they had found your son, dead, in his flat. I remember that moment as if it happened yesterday. It was a Saturday afternoon, and we had not long returned from our weekly shop. We were relaxing on the sofa,…
This day. Today.
Today is 2 years since my beloved husband Chuck died. I’ve always used the word died since he…died. Don’t care at all for the other, gentler words. Not at all. I need the harsh words to remind me that he is indeed dead because there is a part of me, somewhere inside of me, a part I can’t identify, that just doesn’t believe that he’s dead or…
Believing….or Not
I’m not in denial. I know Chuck is dead. I feel it…have felt it…in every part of my body since 2 years ago, April 21. He’s gone. Gone, gone, gone.And yet, I swear that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe it. That can’tbelieve it. How can he be gone when he and I were so connected? How can it be that I’m walking on…
Dear Mike
Dear Mike, Part of me cannot believe it has really been two years since you left us. The other part of me looks back at all the changes in my life since then…and knows. Yes. Two years. It is real.For a long time I could not bear to think about life without you. I cried more than I ever thought I could. I staggered and stumbled through a dark,…
Camping, Traveling and Wandering Thoughts
This week I’m all over the place, both geographically and emotionally. It took me a week plus a few days to get from Camp Widow in Tampa, back here to Arizona. In that time, I hit highs and lows, some of them to be so expected that it is given a name “Camp crash”. Additionally, tomorrow would be my and my husband’s 25th wedding…
Where’s my death-march Gone?
John turns 4 tomorrow. The lead-up to his birthday has usually marked the beginning of my 4 month long death-march, as the surgery that triggered Ian’s complications and eventual death occurred just 11 days after John’s first birthday (and coincidently, John’s original due date, so 22nd February is a really solid date in my memory). The…
Left Behind
Two years ago, on November 17th, my husband and I were getting married. It was a chilly autumn day, and the rain paused long enough for us to gather at the registry office in New Mills for our simple, beautiful ceremony. Later, we brought close friends and family to our local pub, The Beehive, for a reception and delicious dinner. No one from…