Yesterday, July 25, is the third anniversary of our wedding without him. That’s three more anniversaries than I celebrated with him. We didn’t get to celebrate a single one. I try to imagine what we might be doing on our third anniversary but it’s hard to both predict and recall something that never once happened.
Would we be going out for dinner the two of us? Would we be cuddling on the couch with our dog Tango having a drink? Or would we be celebrating it as a new family with a baby? The truth is, I don’t know. I will never know. It never happened and it will never happen.
I feel he is so far away right now. Like it’s been a lifetime since I’ve seen him instead of two years. I feel like part of my memory of him is slipping away. I can remember him and what we did but I can’t feel it. It’s hard to recall what his hug feels like. When I imagine it, it sometimes feels feel like maybe I’m just making it up now. I don’t like it. I feel guilty for even admitting that I feel like I’m forgetting the feeling. What kind of widow am I? I don’t want to forget.
Last night I had a night to myself and so I sat in the dark with Tango on the couch and cuddled him for a bit. I was reminded of those early nights after Mike died that I literally just sat in silent darkness the two of us and sobbed for the night. The odd thing about it is that shitty feeling made me feel “better.” I cried. It made me feel pain. It made me feel closer to the loss. And then I cried some more. And then I was back in my sadness and I stayed there for a while. For most of the day actually.
I don’t know how to do our anniversary on my own. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t sign up for this. Now what do I do? How do I remember him and not be so incredibly sad? How do I “celebrate” a day I loved without any of the good parts of it here anymore?
I don’t know. But I guess I have years to find out…