Another week past and overall things have been even keel. However the dreaded dates pile one on top of another. July 15th is Tin’s first birthday. July 4th is Tin’s and my anniversary and today, June 29th, 2018 is the first anniversary of my father Wayne’s passing.
I know this writing is not based mainly on my lost partner Tin but it has a strong and strange effect on my healing. My father passed away 3 months before Tin was diagnosed with terminal liver failure. My father had over 13 back surgeries, was addicted to pain medication and became an alcoholic to try to manage what the pills could not do. We all thought he would pass away from liver failure. He had heart failure the same as his father Thomas whom I got my middle name from. The irony is that Tin, who did not drink nearly as much as my father, passed away from acute liver failure. I have recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure so now I fear the fate of my father and grandfather. All the while, a glass of red wine is good for the heart but bad for the liver. So life feels like a walking contradiction. I have new fears that never occurred to me until the past year. As I write this there is a commercial for a heart attack medication on the television and I can’t help but wonder if it is a “sign”.
I know that I have better health than both of the men that left my life but perhaps that is another complexity of being a gay man. You lose your father, you lose your partner and you could have the same ending. It’s easy to support family and friends that have breast cancer but that is an evil disease that effects women much more often and a man has a harder time relating to that disease. My mother has beat breast cancer and I am so thankful. A dear friend beat cervical cancer and I can provide all the support possible but I can’t relate. She could do the same but not relate if someone had prostate cancer. I’m rambling but this is what goes on in my head. Either way my fears have intensely heightened.
Back to today, back to the title of this blog entry. Obviously it is a play on the waxing and waning of things and how this ties into the loss of my partner. All day I found myself going back and forth grieving Tin and grieving my father. One triggered the other and it, at times, was relentless. It brought stress, anger, tears, fear and the worst was guilt. Why guilt? Here is an emotional mind-screw…I couldn’t focus on giving Tin and my Dad my undivided attention. I felt like if I was thinking of one than I was ignoring the other. I’m not sure how to do this but it is 8:00 PM at night and somehow I have the ability to put it all aside and write down these feelings. I’m sure when I’m done I’ll feel a bit relieved to let it all out and than the guilt that I took more time away from them focusing on the both of them. Losing one major loved one is hard enough but to lose two so close together is a whole other level of hurt and confusion…. I miss you both terribly….