For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming back and it was time to focus less on losing him and more on keeping […]
Widowed Anniversaries
Breaking Bad
Main image by Denis Oliveira on Unsplash Anyone who reads these blogposts and/or asks me how I am doing and waits for the pause while I run my eyes over their face, their ears over their voice, my brain’s interpretation system over their written words to assess for “checking in” or “real interest”, (and assuming […]
Bachelor of Grief
I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. Two years last April I got […]
Crumpling Face Like No Other
Images of Geraldine Chaplin taken from “The Crown” on Netflix I continue to watch “The Crown”, at the rate of one or two episodes a week. I started in January and perhaps I will have finished all four series by the end of April if curfews stay in place. Every so often after an episode […]
Grief Gifts
One month away from the third anniversary of Clayton’s passing and some moments it feels like it was just yesterday. Each year has had its challenges and this year I’ve lost our cat Stallone. I’ve written before that it’s the build up to certain dates that’s worse then the actual days themselves. Each season has […]
The Escape Room
Part of my widowed journey is getting the opportunity to get away from home. Staying in the apartment that Clayton and I both lived has its benefits and its challenges. He hung up the art and organized the furniture. Everything here holds whispers of his style and view of interior design. I’m coming up on […]
Sad Season
It is the beginning of my “sad season”, as I call it. Boris’s birthday is March 10th and the anniversary of his death is April 7th. Things feel a bit different this year since we are still in a pandemic and we’ve been dealing with it for almost a year now. Even though things are […]
Living my Story~
In the end, all we own are our stories. These words were placed on the top of the page of Chuck’s memorial service program. They were echoes of a line from our favorite movie…Australia. Every so often, as I write or speak about our Love story, people have commented oh, you were so lucky! And […]
Yes, I know David Bowie died five years ago…
Main picture taken in 1973, perhaps 1974, when we had just moved to Brussels ….and so did my brother Edward. I also know that this is a blogsite for widows, and I am widowed. But in addition to losing my husband Mike in 2017, I had only recently lost both my youngest brother Edward (15 […]
By Heart…
This week’s writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, “Who Am I ?” on December 11, 2017. Three years later, these words are still powerful and true…
Today, I have lived 19,615 days
Main image by Jonathan Chng on Unsplash 8th December 2020 Today I have lived 19,615 days Today, 8th December 2020, I am the exact age, to the day, that Mike was when he died Mike was born on 27th July 1963 I was born on 27th March 1967 Mike died on 8th April 2017 I… […]
Love of My Life
After a lot of reflection, I finally understood and realized that I was left to minister myself the love Mike can no longer physically and emotionally provide to me. When you are widowed, you are invited into a new relationship with yourself. You are given the opportunity to build a deep, loving relationship with yourself. This relationship is built on a foundation of unconditional love for yourself. And, arguably, this relationship with Self may be the most important relationship of your life.
I have found that with practice, I am becoming more proficient at self love and self care.
I have become my own friend. My own champion. My own companion. I am a lover of myself.
And, this is a beautiful way to honor my dead lover.