It is the beginning of my “sad season”, as I call it. Boris’s birthday is March 10th and the anniversary of his death is April 7th. Things feel a bit different this year since we are still in a pandemic and we’ve been dealing with it for almost a year now. Even though things are different, I can still feel the “sad season” coming. I am a little bluer and more easily overwhelmed. I’ve had a couple of dreams with Boris in them, but neither one of them was a very good dream. I feel more “spaced out” and tired.
I’ve read a couple of things about how our bodies may be remembering the start of the pandemic in mid-March (for those of us in the U.S.). We may feel like we are unable to be as productive, have some brain fog, or feel extra tired. Perhaps this year I am being hit with double–Boris’s death and the pandemic anniversary.
It is weird how some days his death feels like a normal part of me, like something that is just always present but looms in the background, whereas other days (or moments) I feel a wave of disbelief hit me. This usually happens at night while I am trying to fall asleep–I picture his face so vividly and I hear his voice or his laugh. And my body feels overwhelmed as it realizes it will never see or hear him again. It is like my body is saying, holy shit that really happened to you, how are you managing to live every day? This happens more frequently in my sad season, but it happens at other times of the year too.
This year I am trying to be more honest about my sad season. Over the past week or so friends have texted me and asked how I am doing, and rather than saying “fine” or “pretty good” I have mentioned that this time of year is hard and have even used the term “sad season”. I have this little voice inside of me that says, “don’t be a downer” or “it has been almost 3 years, people will think you’re weird for still being so sad”. I try to silence that voice because I know my feelings are valid, but it can be difficult. I know that being honest with myself and others about how I am doing is healthy and it can be healing.
So, as I move through my “sad season” and the one-year mark of the COVID-19 pandemic in the U.S., I am going to try to be extra kind to myself and honest with other people. It will not be easy, but I can do hard things. I have already done the hardest thing.