Widow's Voice

Widowed and Healing

Acceptance

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My awakening was the rationalization that Suzanne was truly gone. It didn’t actually take very long after she died. In fact, I woke up, bolt upright, in the middle of the night around a month after she died and had that sudden overwhelm of emotion and knowing that she was never, ever coming back.

It was in that moment that I realized that she was truly gone. She hadn’t just “slipped into the next room” or “gone away and would be right back.”

No. I was fully conscious of the fact that she had died.

The Wrong Kind of Dates

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About a year ago, I ventured a little toe into the on-line dating waters. Everything about the idea was absurd, unfathomable, unimaginable. Before that, I’d had a couple of months where I bravely, if hesitantly, asked trusted friends, “Do you know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone (etc) who might know a nice man […]

In the Moment, In the Middle of it All

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While it is important to stay up to date on all that’s happening in our world right now…  it’s very important also to have some days each week that are as close to normal life as possible. Days that are about being out in nature and exploring and laughing and living and maybe forgetting about all of this a little bit. I have to seek the ways I can still live life so that I can lean more into living and lean less into fear, and make sure to do that stuff often.

All too Familiar

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Recently, I felt like I was gaining traction.  Finally, after 3.4 years, I felt like I was starting to reenter life.  And, then, COVID19 forced me into the familiar holding pattern of early grief.  I feel the paralysis of fear taking over again; and, this feeling of being frozen by doubt and trepidation is all too familiar.  The emerging anxiety and unease are definitely affecting my psyche.  I feel myself sliding into the familiar landscape of early grief and it scares me.

I wake up each morning, and like in the days following Mike’s death, I just lay there because I have no desire to rise from my bed. My familiar routine is lost and this has me in a tailspin.  Once again, my life has been shaken up and I am not responding favorably to the changes COVID19 is forcing on me.  Right now, I feel  like my life is on hold.  Only this time, I am forced into a holding pattern because of a deadly virus, not Mike’s sudden death.

Waking in Empty Bed

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Every morning, I wake in an empty bed. I know. Lots of single people wake up in an empty bed every morning. But I am not single by choice. Still, waking up alone is somewhat of a choice, because there could always be someone else in my bed; but it is nonetheless a choice (regardless if it’s not one I have not made deliberately). Every night, I lay down to sleep and think about Suzanne. And I still miss her, terribly.

Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

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This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip.  The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control.  Nothing in life is constant. 

The only thing certain in our lives is change.  Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis.  I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died.  Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me.  *Sigh.

Anxiety

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Anxiety always seemed to provide a convenient excuse to not get involved or do something. It was never a problem when we had fun things to do… But something serious? That was another story. One or all of them was always getting anxious when something serious was taking place…

In all my life (I’m inching closer to 52 years old now), I had never experienced anxiety. In fact, I never really felt like I had any mental health issues. That was until 2019.

Gravely Grateful

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“I wished he was dead!” she said. “I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction. The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how […]

In Sickness and In Health

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Over the 19-months since she died, I have thought a lot about the vows we took. It was not easy, but I stuck by them as did many of the widows and widowers I have met in the time since I became one.

I took my vows seriously. Especially, the “in sickness and in health. Til death do us part” bit. All of us who have been widowed likely did the same.

For me, it is hard to remember times when she wasn’t sick–or at least had not already been sick. We used to joke about how all I wanted was to have a simple life, but wanted to drive a really nice car. Suzanne would always say, “Well, you always wanted to drive a Ferrari. You never realized you married one…”

In the Space of Another’s Pain

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To be inside the space of another’s pain is one of the most sacred and private spaces to share with another, and for them to allow you into. For that reason, I think it does us all well – whether we have lost someone or not – to remember this sacredness, and to recognize those moments when they come. Do not squelch it with platitudes. Be silent, be committed, be fully present, and let them and their emotions lead.

Arriving in Community

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Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]