Chuck’s death did not break me. I am not broken. My heart shattered when he died. It is shattered still. I feel dislocated. Oftentimes disoriented. Dispossessed. Displaced. Trying to find my footing each day without him. Yes, even six years later. But not broken. I don’t need fixing. I never did. I fully recognize the people who shine a light for…
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Semiversary
I wish I could have sat down to write this morning and repeated my often-stated sentiment that I don’t have anything to write about…and that’s OK. I had hoped that today, of all days, is something that doesn’t affect me as much any more, because “time” and all. Even if I thought about Megan more today, it wouldn’t throw my day off…
A Change of Heart
After nearly three years, my grief is different than before. It is what happens. As human beings we are made strong. From the beginning of this mess, my Soul has been striving to continually adapt to this alternate life. And, I have. I have managed to live without him – even when I was certain I could not. As people, we are hard wired…
Everyday Courage
Being afraid and doing it anyway. That’s what they say courage is all about. I’m sure most people don’t see themselves as courageous. I think because the idea of being afraid and doing it anyway is often associated with enormous, heroic action. In fact, I would pretty much consider myself the opposite of courageous and always have. I get all…
In Between …
At eight years post-loss, I am somewhere different than ever before, and yet, not quite where I would like to be. I am well past the soul-crushing, hopeless feelings of everyday existence. And still, there are days where my heart feels like it has stopped beating, or like there is a large boulder sitting on it, temporarily. At eight…
My Final Self-Reflection
I have really enjoyed contributing to this blog, but now it is time to move on and giver others a chance to share. I thought over time I would find other widows and widowers to connect with, but it hasn’t really happened. However, as I reflect over my life, it makes sense because my life experience has always been outside the norm—I…
What Was. What Is~
Your death stripped me down to bone and marrow. It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground A sharp bladed axe, Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground. Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.It took effort and…
Broken Dreams
I don’t often dream. Not the metaphorical “dream” or anything like that, just regular old dreams when I’m sleeping. They just don’t happen. Even when they do, they seemingly are just five seconds of me sitting in my living room or something. There isn’t anything crazy happening or odd traits like being able to fly. It’s plainly…
Death and Coffee
This Sunday, I woke up early because I drove my son to work for 7am. I found myself at a local coffee shop which isn’t any big deal, except that it is. I drove by the coffeeshop that Mike and I went to when he was alive. I drove by it on purpose. I made a choice not to go there this morning. Drinking coffee in our coffeeshop…
Showing Grief
This past week, I got to sit down and have a mentoring session with a photographer that I have greatly admired for several years now. We went through my photography – most specifically, all of the photographs I made about my grief after Drew died. It’s taken me years to get to the right space emotionally to be ready to have someone look at these…
Paying Grief Forward
It has been eight years since my husband’s sudden death. In the beginning, there were days where I honestly didnt see myself ever living a life with meaning again. I didnt think I could feel joy again. I didnt know if it would be possible to take the pain and turn it into something that might help others. I didnt have the energy or the…
A Breath Away~
You are so far away now. 6 years away. A lifetime away. A moment away. But a moment that is memory rather than feeling. Remembrance.I stare at your picture, At pictures of you and I together, And I look at all the pictures of the years since you left, I almost wonder… Which ones are real? You and I, passionate together, Or me, alone, passionate…