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‘Til Always~

Posted on: August 7, 2019 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Chuck’s death did not break me.

I am not broken.

My heart shattered when he died. 

It is shattered still.

I feel dislocated.

Oftentimes disoriented.

Dispossessed.

Displaced.

Trying to find my footing each day without him.

Yes, even six years later.

But not broken.

I don’t need fixing.

I never did.

I fully recognize the people who shine a light for me on this darkened pathway.

And I recognize those who don’t.

I draw healthy boundaries with those who don’t.

And I celebrate those who do.

My heart overflows with Love.

The Love left behind for me by Chuck, and the Love gifted to me by the ones shining the light of Love for me, helping to illuminate my way.

Shattered heart.

Love.

It’s all one and the same for me.

I’ll always write about it…about Chuck and our Love story.

Always speak about it.

Write and speak about his absence from my life now, and the Love that lives on, in so many varied forms.

And I’ll always and forever create beauty from it.

‘Til always~

Categories: Military Widowed, Widowed by Illness, Miscellaneous

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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