Image by Leonardo Santamaria for NPR Confession: I have no idea where this piece of writing will go. Another confession: That happens quite often with these blogposts, though for sure much of my writing comes from a specific incident that has stood out during my week. Other times I latch onto a song, a poem, […]
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Look with your heart, not your eyes.
The first year I felt angry when I saw older people living when Mike was not. I felt that it was unfair that so many old people were alive while my fiancé died before our wedding. I felt guilty about my misplaced feelings of anger and resentment and jealousy. Mike was denied his old age, […]
Widowed Weather
Almost three years ago, I flew home from a convention in Mexico. We had to fly around Hurricane Nate. I got home. Clayton and I prepped the apartment and planned to go to his mother’s house. He wasn’t feeling well and I wanted to take him to the hospital but he said we should wait […]
Nothing to Say, Everything to Say
There are lots of times when I come here and I feel as if I have nothing new to say, and at the same time, I want to say everything all of the time about the loss of my husband and how it will always affect me and I will always be changed and different […]
Apologies
I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur and widower, sometimes I feel like my “lives” clash, and managing them is messy… In general, I am doing reasonably well. In my business, I launched a program designed to help men (widowers especially) rediscover their purpose in life (post loss).
See How They Shine~
Sailors of old had the right idea. They looked to the stars to place themselves as they rode the ocean waves. I’m here, they could say, after sighting particular stars and constellations. Rising stars and setting stars dipped above and below the horizon at set points of their days and nights. They watched the night […]
Sliced and Diced and Cored
Main Photo by Nikolai Chernichenko on Unsplash I have written quite a bit about my challenging relationship with Death Admin. That I despise it. That it’s painful. That it takes too much time and energy and money. That it is prone to make me cry bitter, angry and hurting tears. And that most of all, […]
A moment in the Evolution of Grief…
I paused because, for the briefest of moments, Mike died all over again .
Once upon a time, Mike had stood in this very same room.
He used to take up space in the world.
And, he had a place in our lives.
I miss this place in time when Mike was real.
I imagine I always will…
Future Gifts
People will often ask how I’m able to keep going after such difficulties losing my father and than my partner within 10 months of each other. Well here is the secret… I just keep trying. Yup that’s it. I keep trying. That is the magical answer I have for you. Some days are fantastic and […]
19 years
Today is the 19 year mark of the attacks that happened on 9/11. It would feel weird for me to write on this day and not write about this, or not acknowledge this today. Obviously, that day was life-altering for everyone, and for some, more than others. If you are reading this today, and someone […]
Claw Marks~
Supporting Chuck as he died. The hardest, most impossible, most unbearable thing I’ve ever done. It was my job, as it was for all of us who walked with our loved one as they lay dying, to make it as easy as possible for Chuck. Or at least, that’s how I saw it. Out of […]
Life, After
Images from internet searches for Netflix’s “After Life” Sometime after Mike died – perhaps a matter of months – Megan came to me and said, “Muuuuum – my Netflix account isn’t working”. It’s possible that I said, “What’s Netflix?”, but I don’t think I was living under a rock to quite that degree. But I […]