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The Heroic Haircut

Posted on: April 25, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I gave myself a haircut at home this week. Well maybe it’s not exactly heroic to get a haircut but it took a lot of courage to do it. Not because I might miss a spot or screw up and shave a line across my head but because I had to do it myself. It’s been over 2 years since Clayton gave me a haircut. I haven’t dug those clippers out of the drawer since he used them. Would they even turn on or have they passed like he did? For a moment I feared that they wouldn’t come to life and the grief of Tin’s passing began to rise. I almost put them down and walked away. A deep breath and I flipped the switch. The room was full of that familiar buzzing.

I love that sound and I love having my hair cut. It’s like a mini vacation. A massage. Nowadays I usually go to a place and have it done. Surrounded by other people and activity that keep me in the present. Not here though. I’m home alone without Clayton. He’s not here to wrap the towel around my neck, kiss my head and take care of me. Now that the world is closed, I have two options:

  1. Put the clippers down because I just can’t navigate the memories. This option means I keep feeling un-kept and that adds just as much to the grief.

-or-

  1. Go for it because if I don’t do it now I might never have the opportunity and the courage to make it through this milestone.

I stopped thinking and I ran the trimmers across the side of my head. In that moment, I climbed higher than I thought I could. I beat the grief and I committed to care for myself. The more hair that fell the lighter the moment became. I was doing it. I was able to manage the memories. The feeling of the buzzer reminded me of his silly stories when he cut my hair. It reminded me of how it felt when he bent my ears to buzz around them and than I realized that I was smiling…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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