I don’t know what to write this week. The world is too much, and has been for some time. I’m not one to hide from the truths of widowed life…the emotional/mental/physical aspects of it and how long it takes to just frickin’ stand up on a regular basis. I definitely don’t believe in the cult […]
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I want MIKE!
I am just back from a brave week of open water swimming in the waters of the La Maddalena Archipelago, off the north-east coast of Sardinia. Brave because it’s the end of summer – indeed early autumn (we had three days of wind & rain, and four days of decent – albeit windy sunshine) Brave […]
Outlier
In about six weeks Mike will have been dead for four years. Wow. That seems like a fairly long time; and, at the same time, it feels like he was alive just moments ago. Death does strange things to time for those of us who are left behind. It is as though our clocks forever […]
Milestones and Rememberances
I think it’s important to share not just the parts of my life that are affected by being widowed, but also the parts that are affected by having lost my mother as a child, and also my father in my late 20’s, because I know your children will live through milestones of their own like this.
That Gentle Ease
So my parents have a time-share on Cape Cod, and its this really great condo right on the ocean in Falmouth, Mass. One side has the bay, the other side has oceanfront. You can leave the sliding glass doors open at night and hear the waves crashing gently as you sleep. Next weekend, my parents […]
The Double Life of a Widow~
I’m not qualifiably bipolar, but I swear I feel like I’m two people living distinctly different lives. If left on my own, supposing I had the money to do so, I’d park my rig, PinkMagic, on a beach somewhere, far away from everyone, and have as little interaction with the world as possible. I’d read […]
Long Live Live Music
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash One of the phrases that I hear, and that I use myself, in my still new, post-loss world, is “this life of after”. It’s a phrase that gets used a lot in the COVID context too. “After COVID…” or “When COVID is over…” And of course, some people are […]
Becoming…
There are qualities that I yearn to possess again. Things both tangible and otherwise. There are attributes both big and small that I miss about the woman I used to be. Namely, I miss her joy. I miss being joyful and joy filled. I miss being completely enamoured with my life. I miss being happy. I miss feeling content. I miss being at ease in my own life.
Mike brought to life all these things inside me; and, without him, I have not been able to successfully recreate any of this. After nearly four years, I have been unable to find my place in the world without him. I endlessly search for a sense of belonging. I work tirelessly to reestablish a feeling of contentment and I have been largely unsuccessful. All feelings of joy and peace that I have experienced since he died have been fleeting at best. *Sigh.
Yes, I miss him, but it is more than just missing Mike now. I miss what he brought to my life and who he brought out in me; and it bothers me that without him I seem unable to manufacture my own sense of happiness. I miss all that I was when I was his. I miss sharing my life with a man who utterly adored me. I miss being wildly and madly in love. I miss the all the richness Mike brought to my life. I miss the woman I was when he walked the Earth by my side. And, I hate that it is so ridiculously hard to live without some of the best things you ever had. But, I am doing it because I was not given a choice. We are all persisting and living forward because life demands that of us, but this sure is weighty stuff.
I Don’t Think I Could Stay
Talking to someone who has lost a loved one isn’t the easiest situation. Many people get anxious, some shut down, some unintentionally say the wrong thing. I try to remember that they are hoping to meet me in a space of support by saying something and when that something comes out wrong (which it inevitably […]
Imaginary Tigers
A metaphor that my counselor used once was the idea of going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger. And the next time you find yourself in a similar jungle, you are consumed by the fear of the tiger to the point of running away… when there was no tiger around for miles. In fact, you might even be in a jungle where tigers don’t even live, but you’re still standing there scared of a tiger. This is what trauma can do to us.
The Change
Many decades ago, there was a classic episode of “All in the Family”, which was a classic sitcom, where Edith was going through menopause. Back then, menopause was referred to as “the change” or “the change of life.” Anyway, Edith’s hormones were all over the place, and she was going from happy to bursting out […]
Time and Space and Fantasy~
Bear with me as I write this. I’m a total and complete Outlander fan, but the words I’m going to write aren’t because I swoon every time I hear James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser utter the word Sassenach. No, my words are about why I’ve connected so fervently with the series, and then the books, […]