Mike and Sarah share Sunday posts, as they are two widows who are in a new relationship together. Today’s post is from Sarah:
It’s been a few weeks since Mike and I have written… mostly due to extra busyness and chaos from the virus. But rest assured we are well. Today I’m making sure to sit down and put some of my thoughts down. A few weeks ago, we had to make the call to postpone our wedding until at least October, and possibly later. It wasn’t the way we wanted things to go, and a lot of people commented on how sorry they were and how hard this had to be. Honestly, it isn’t as hard as they think. At least compared to some of the other changes that were unexpected in my life, this one is not hard.
My first fiance Drew died before we ever got to a wedding, so changing a date for other reasons is something I am glad to do. Daily I am glad Mike has not died yet. And daily I accept that anything could happen at any moment and I want to try my hardest to be fully alive and fully here now.
I still have irrational fears about him also dying before we get married (in which case I would probably just stop trying to get married) but I try not to let those thoughts get to me. I try instead to remember I have today. This whole pandemic has reinforced this focus for me.
It’s still scary, every day I think of those who are losing someone, and who I might lose in my life. I hear the horrible stories of some people losing several generations of their families within days. It’s an unthinkable pain. It’s scary. I don’t ever know what to do with those kinds of fears, the kind I know I can’t control. So instead, I’ve been spending time on what I can control… putting in that pond in the back yard that we’ve had sitting in the garage for 3 years, enjoying doing it together. Going hiking in the rain to avoid crowds of people on the trails, and discovering how fun a rainy hike can be. Going for long drives in the country to explore at a safe distance. Spending lots of time on phone and video calls with loves ones.
I don’t know if we’ll be having a wedding in October or not. I don’t know if I or Mike or Shelby or our families or friends or anyone we love will be lost to this disease. That’s so hard. Not knowing is SO hard. I am finding solace in just making small choices each day that I won’t regret… keeping up with loved ones near and far constantly. Telling them I love them. Listening and helping and being kinder. Making art and being in nature. No matter what happens, I’m trying to make daily choices that I will be able to look back on and not regret. I think that is the best we can do with uncertainty… To just focus on love.
If there is one thing widowhood has taught me, it’s that love never ever goes anywhere. I love Drew the same as I ever have, and now I love Mike too. If the worst comes to my door again, if someone I love dies, I will know that I have tried to be good and kind and loving and connected with everyone I care for. I will know that I have invested in a something good and lasting – a love that never dies. It will certainly never be a choice I could ever regret. We may be postponing a wedding, but there will be no postponing love.
