31st.last day of the year.i wonder how it’s gonna feel, leaving this one behind?probably not as goodas i hoped.heading out for the dayit was cold.really cold.and for the firsttime in a long time i hadto take offliz’srings so i couldwear some gloves.i put themin my camera bag,imagining what iwould do ifi forgot the bag somewhere. our new…
widowhood and traditions
My Screensaver Moment
The other night as I was wrapping gifts in my office, I glanced up at my computer screen. My screen saver is a slide show of all the photos saved on my computer. Each new photo brought a smile to my face as the last few years of parties, milestones, and random poses of family and friends lit up my desktop. While the images of newborns and…
Daffodils
I am like the daffodils that are blooming in my back yard (yes they bloom 2x a year in LA. I thankfully bloom more often.)I crumble, letting the dirt and cold beat down on my brightness, making me floppy and weak, causing me to brown and shrivel. I go within too tired to care anymore. It is there I find the sustenance, the nutrients, all that I…
A Stocking Full of Memories
Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back into Christmas by filling a stocking full of gift-cards, gadgets and more that Michael would have loved….but I could use. It was heart warming to see them remember and bring to life some of his favorite things and places from memories passed.This year my family arrived and handed over…
Merry Memories
This Christmas the veil between where Phil is and where I am seems to be much thinner than in years past. Michelle and I once talked about the “feeling” of knowing our husbands were in the room.Michelle remarked that she wasn’t sure if knowing for sure that Daniel was right there would make her feel better or worse. If he were right next to you,…
what she would want
i took maddy tothe same christmas tree lot we wentto last year. she helped mepick out a tree,something i alwayshated doing whenlizwas here.but i had to do it.i know this would have been a reallyexciting timefor us, maddy’s firstchristmas, but it just doesn’t seemreal, doesn’t seemright withouther.this year wedid’t buy the biggesttree…
Tough Month
“December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.” Mr. Twain hit the nail on the head with this quote, but December truly is a month that tests my perseverance more then the other 11 on the calendar.I think as widows/widowers there are times of the…
The Empty Seat Beside Me
Before Phil’s death, Thanksgiving Day was filled with gratitude for the gifts of the present. Then death changed my focus, and the past was were my heart longed to be.On my first widowed Thanksgiving Phil’s empty seat at the dinner table represented only my personal loss. Knowing he would never again sit bside me as we spoke aloud the things for…
Serenity Now….
Remember the Seinfeld episode where George’s dad keeps yelling: “Serenity Now”? He’s supposed to be chanting it in a low melodic voice but instead yells it during times of stress…. I think I’m going to try it! ;)The last month or so has been very stressful for me, and I’ve lost focus on the things that should matter to me right now. I’ve been…
Being Okay With Me
Last week was very difficult. More than one person took issue with the way I handled an issue or a choice, and one of the questionable decisions involved my opinion about the man who killed my husband. Finding out four years later that my choice was not appreciated hit me hard. And I found myself floundering in the abyss of grief once…
Thanksgiving
With the holidays upon us I started creating a list of things for our organization to make this time a more bearable one. I thought I’d share it with you all:The holidays have a way of magnifying our loss and can be a difficult and confusing time of year. “What to do? How to act? How to wake up and seize the day?” are just a few of the thoughts…
When there are no thanks to be given
As any of us widows and widowers know, one of the most trying times of the Annual Widowed Calendar is upon us. It’s impossible to turn on the TV or walk into any store without having it crammed down our gagging, grieving throats: The holidays. That formerly joyous, happy, oblivious time of year where we got to focus on fun, holiday frivolity;…