i took maddy to
the same christmas
tree lot we went
to last year.
she helped me
pick out a tree,
something i always
hated doing when
liz
was here.
but i had
to do it.
i know this would
have been a really
exciting time
for us, maddy’s first
christmas, but it
just doesn’t seem
real, doesn’t seem
right without
her.
this year we
did’t buy the biggest
tree on the lot,
but i know that
liz
would have been proud
that i actually went
out during one of
the busiest shopping
days to buy one,
without her pushing me
to do so.
decorating the damn
thing was a whole
different story.
i went to a few places
and picked up
some ornaments.
and over the past few
weeks i’ve been
buying ornaments
at random places i’ve
visited with madeline,
so we can
continue the tradition
that we had.
there was no
way in hell i
was going to dig out
all the ornaments we
collected over 12
years of christmas.
i just couldn’t do it.
someday.
they’ll be there in
the garage, waiting
for madeline.
so i finally found
the will to
put the fucker up.
maddy watched as i
put the tree into
the stand and
covered the tree in lights.
i learned that
waiting until the
last minute to buy
tree-decorating items
is not a good idea.
we visited 5 different
stores and came away
with the last box
of lights in the la,
the lights that look like a
small net, normally used
to cover a small bush.
(thankfully i bought that tiny tree).
i also was unable to
find the little ornament hooks,
so i had to buy
some wire and make
my own.
madeline stared
at me as i cut
the wire and hung
the ornaments on the tree.
for someone who
hates christmas, i am
certainly doing a
lot of work.
and i actually
loved doing it,
’cause i know
that this is what
liz
would have wanted.