Lately I have been thinking a lot about where I have been, where I am going.. and how lucky I am. I can’t help but think about my husband. About how he didn’t realize how lucky he was. I know he had no idea how much he would be missing out on by choosing to leave this life.I don’t think he had the slightest idea of how much LIFE he…
widowhood and moving forward
Open
My life is much different from many of my loved ones. I find myself traveling 1/3 of the year. I happily sleep with two (furry) men each night I’m home. No one gets on my back for the dishes sitting in the sink a bit too long or the dirty clothes on the floor.I thoroughly enjoy my solitude (i.e. meditation, reading, playing fetch, watching…
Running
I never really liked running. Never really saw the point. For exercise? Sure, but I’d much rather play a sport or go swimming or do just about anything other than feel the pounding of my flattened and worn-out feet, screaming for mercy against the hot and unforgiving pavement. Or feel my knees hurting and buckling and cracking with each breath,…
Going Back To My “Before” ……
…… and explaining my “After”. This past weekend I went back to my home town for a party. It was a mini-reunion of sorts. Several people from our high school class came, as well as others from a couple of other years …… and several spouses. I loved high school …… most of it anyway.. I don’t know any teenager who loves all of it.
2012
Holy smokes, Batman. 2000 freakin’ 12. I don’t quite know how to simply describe 2011 or simply describe what I hope 2012 to be.I feel I’ve excelled. I feel I’ve failed. I feel I’ve laughed more. I feel I’ve been disappointed more. I feel I’ve grown. I feel I’ve shrunk. I feel I’ve exceeded my expectations. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I…
Aging Gratefully
Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old, three years older than Phil was when he died six years ago (crazy to think he would be 46 right now!). My first birthday without him I remember wishing time could just stand still. I didn’t want to age without him;I didn’t want to celebrate being alive with birthday songs and presents; and I didn’t want to…
Is It Just Me ….
…. or does anyone else ever feel like moving away and starting over? From everyone that knew them “before” …. and from all of those friends who can’t seem to see you as anything but “different” ….. and it all seems to get worse as time goes on? I have now passed the 4 year mark. This is my life. I am no longer married. I am single. I get…
A Date By Any Other Name ….
(Post pre-explanation & warning: I wrote this post for my personal blog …. on Sunday, the 18th, the 4th year date of Jim’s death. This date, this year, was no easier for me than the previous 3. I still cried. I still wished that I were the one who was not left behind. I am still crying, and I think I may forever be wishing. And yet…
With You
I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball. He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot. Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like…
Wake me up when December ends
It’s December 1, 2011. I bought a new car today. My very first new car ever. The very first car I have bought all by myself. Something bright and shiny and new to replace the old and falling apart, frustrating and faded. I should feel happy. But I don’t.I am gripped by the worst grief I have felt in months. “A new car – you are so lucky”…
Groceries
The grocery store It’s been one of the biggest grief triggers for me. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to go at all. Thank god for the kindness of friends and coworkers who kept my fridge and freezer stocked for the first month or so. Thank god for my closest friends who grocery shopped for me at first.Eventually, I managed to go on my own, but…
Immovable Objects vs The Business of Change
The Business of Change that I started back in mid-September continues on. There’s just so much stuff to go through and just so little willpower on my part. Despite all the difficult work packing her 118 pair of shoes into boxes, only one box has made it to a new home. (I remind myself that one is better than none – and even one is still a…