9-11, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11 It’s everywhere. I, like the rest of the country I suspect, am afraid to write the wrong thing, aware that I do not know what it’s like…And that is where I stop myself. I do know what it’s like.I do know what it feels like in the dark hollowness that filled the first months. I do know the effort it takes to place…
expressions of grief
9-11
Moments
They happen…sometimes more than I think I can handle. Those moments where it feels like I’m in a well, with all the walls caving in on me. The sad thing is I see it when I’m being lowered down….like the bucket on the rope. I anticipate what will happen and still am lowered further and further down…feeling as if there is no one at the top to…
Scared
This past week has been tough. Really tough. I was doing OK for a long while, surviving birthdays, parties and mother’s day … but this past week has brought me crashing down with a thud.There are many reasons for this – my son’s upcoming “procedure” and the worry over his ongoing health, my sister-in-law having some very scary health…
It’s Not My Fault ….
…. that my children became orphans on December 18, 2007. OK, they didn’t literally become orphans. But technically …. they did. They lost both of their parents that day. Yes, I was here in body, but only in body. My body was empty of any resemblance of me. All it held was the cold, black grief that enveloped every part of me …. grief moved…
Breaking the News
I find I’m still reflecting on my experiences from Widow Camp. In those few short days I feel like I moved forward leaps and bounds down the healing path simply by being surrounded by others who share similar past experiences. The friendships I made there still stand and the conversations haven’t stopped. The reward has been well beyond the…
World’s Best Husband
I was at Denny’s restaurant on my lunch break, enjoying a turkey club sandwich, an iced tea, and reading the newspaper. Sitting in a booth by myself, still having another 35 minutes to go on my break, and kids away at school miles away from where I work. I was in a peaceful state. That’s when I heard it from the booth behind me.“Mike has…
Missed, Loved, and Remembered
Hi honey, Six years ago today you headed out the door for what would be your final bike ride. You checked the tires on your bike, oiled the chain, filled two water bottles, kissed me good-bye, left, came back for some unidentified thing (I still wonder what brought you back, and if those additional moments cost you your life), and then kissed me…
Another Ugly Four Letter Word
Everyone: Carl. Carl: Everyone. So there, now you’ve met. The last few weeks have been full of big changes for us. We’ve bought a new home, he moved into my house for a few weeks during the remodel of the new house, and now we’ve moved into our house together. The wedding is still a few months away, but well into the planning stages. Holy cow we…
Sick, Clothes and Backwards
The last two days I’ve been sick. Fever. I found myself lying in my bed, the wrong way. Backwards (head where my feet usually are, feet where my head usually is) The fever is making me feel backwards. I’m preparing to move from the house the kids, Art and I have been in for 6 years. (Huh. The kids and I have been here for six, Art only 4.)…
melancholy bed linens
Written three years ago. 17 days after Jeff died… I have been sitting in the rocking chair in my room for a period of time each day staring at our bed and crying. I am trying to muster up the courage to wash the sheets. I tell myself, “Jeff would laugh at this. He’d think I was being silly and sentimental. They are just sheets. They aren’t him.”…
It Takes a Long Time ….
It takes a long time…. to get from there …. to here. It has taken me almost 4 years to get here. Four years that have seemed like one day …. and forty years …. all at the same time. Six years before Jim died he had an accident on his family’s farm, at Thanksgiving. As an aside, it seems that the big events in his life, and therefore, in…
Cliff Diving
Lately I’ve been taking some risks with my emotions. I don’t know if I’m feeling stronger, or that I am learning that memories can begin to heal me. For the longest time I didn’t look back to any of my prior writings. I put pictures and albums away, and have yet to unpack them from my move last year. Yet, in the last week I have begun opening some…