Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021.  For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was looming.  This year, I don’t feel dread about his death date.  The truth is, I don’t feel anything really.  This is not easy to admit because it makes me feel like a bad widow.  It makes me feel like people will think I didn’t love him.  And, worst of all it makes me wonder if I am less devoted to him than I thought I was.  

I feel sad that I am not sad.  All these new and uncomfortable thoughts make me feel out of sorts.  I am wrestling with my emotions because I don’t feel heartbroken the way I have in years past; but, I am grateful because this is far less challenging to sort out than the raw grief I felt in other Novembers.  As I approach my fifth year without him, I don’t feel an endless longing for him anymore.  Instead, I feel a type of acceptance.