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bryan martin

Newborn Fears

November 17, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

I caught myself today. I caught myself leaving for work, locking the door and checking the handle – 7 times. I pulled and pushed on the handle to make sure it was definitely locked. Then I pushed on the door itself.  “It’s locked”’ I said to myself. I walked down the hall to the stairs and paused. I felt sick to my stomach. I turned…

Filed Under: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: widowhood and fear, worry, bryan martin, anxiety, LGBTQ Widowed

Bizarre Birthday

November 10, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

I’m sitting at the airport this morning headed to spend the weekend with my best friend from junior high. It’s my 40th birthday weekend and I’m all over the place in my head. Today’s blog is more of a list of competing emotions rather than a discussion or story…Sometimes bullet points get “the point” across better.  See what I did…

Filed Under: Widowed Birthdays, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, widowed mixed emotions, birthday, Celebrations

Unexpected Messages

November 3, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

It’s been a long day. I worked, came home, took the dog out, prepping dinner and the dishes of the past few nights are sitting in the sink reminding me that no one else will help me. It’s a regular reminder as I try to find a balance to this new unwanted bachelor life. It’s November already and Clayton has been gone for almost 6 months. I’m…

Filed Under: Widowed Signs from Loved One, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, signs from loved one, messages

To Urn or Not to Urn

October 27, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

We still haven’t been able to put Clayton to rest. His mother’s stroke has resulted in her having to move near relatives and figure out a new life. Until then, Clayton sits in a (beautiful) Urn in our apartment. At first it was unsettling, having to look at a container that holds the dust of the person you want to hold the most. You want to…

Filed Under: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: bryan martin, widowed loneliness, widowhood and guilt, LGBTQ Widowed

Damned Either Way

October 20, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

So I missed a week. I didn’t have a blog post for last week and I felt bad like I had let a bunch of people down in some way. I mean, I know it is a voluntary thing but I don’t like missing deadlines and I don’t like making an excuse. I create pressure that doesn’t exist. The sink is full of dishes. The carpet hasn’t been vacuumed. I…

Filed Under: Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, widowed questioning, expressions of grief, Excuses

Oh My God! I’m So Sorry! I Just Heard…

October 7, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

Time goes on and life begins to settle. You think you are past the hardest conversations until you get a message from out of the blue… “Oh My God! I’m So Sorry! I Just Heard” These words come in a text message, a social media tag, in an email and, rarely, in a phone call. Mine came just a few minutes ago through Facebook. It’s one of…

Filed Under: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, widowhood and anger, stupid comments, frustration

Catastrophic Compensation

September 30, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

I’ve tried to write more about the good things in life recently but every week brings a new strange situation that results in processing new thoughts and difficult emotions. What does one think when they are given inheritance? So many people are gifted property and money as their older family and friends pass away. It’s understood that each new…

Filed Under: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: bryan martin, Money, LGBTQ Widowed, widowed sadness

The Song in Your Heart

September 22, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

Sometimes a song is a gentle reminder an sometimes a song is a stick of dynamite… I woke up feeling more relaxed than usual today. I went to the gym before work and felt centered and ready for the workday. I have a 5 minute drive to work which usually happens in a blink of an eye until Adele comes over the radio. Tin absolutely loved Adele. She…

Filed Under: Widowed Memories, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, memories, bryan martin, widowed memories, Music

Half the Road of the First Year – Just Let It Flow

September 15, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

Tomorrow marks 6 months since Tin has passed. How am I already here? How does time move so slowly and so quickly at the same time? Honestly it is Life’s biggest blessing and curse. As I look back at these 6 months, I see a new road behind me that I have paved on my own. Of course there have been others to help me through the thick brush but I had…

Filed Under: LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, widowed travels, time, job

The Phoenix and the Dragon

September 8, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

It comes in waves, those flames: the flames of fear and the flames of future, the flames of anguish and the flames of anger. You do your best to fight the fire but it is erupting from within you. As if you haven’t fought enough, you are constantly fighting with your inner beast but you never know whom. Is it your inner phoenix or is it your inner…

Filed Under: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: bryan martin, expressions of grief, widowhood and anger, LGBTQ Widowed

Determination vs. Distraction

September 1, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

In all honesty, this week has been pretty good. I mean I have had my sad moments and the little things that remind me of Tin have shown up here and there. What I’m noticing though is that my reactions are changing.  What used to immediately bring up tears and sorrow now brings up tears and a little smile sometimes a chuckle. I’ve noticed this…

Filed Under: Widowed and Healing, LGBTQ+ Widowed Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, widowed questioning, riding the grief wave

The Only and the Already

August 25, 2018 by Bryan Martin Leave a Comment

There are minutes, hours, days that seem to fly by while seconds seem to drag on forever. It has only and already been 4 months since Tin has passed – only and already. For those that don’t lose their “person”, it is hard to explain that time’s guidelines begin to bend in ways we never knew. Good days go fast. Bad days go slow. Yet the next…

Filed Under: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: LGBTQ Widowed, bryan martin, widowed loneliness, widowhood and guilt, expressions of grief, time, Regrets

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