…… is sometimes difficult to do. In all areas of life. And on this blog. It’s difficult to write posts that will connect with everyone. If we write about how horribly dark and depressing and hard-to-survive those first days, weeks and months are …… we don’t connect with those who’ve been in this “club” for quite a while. If we write about…
Newly Widowed
Faith
When he died, my faith died. Faith in a god, life, living… There was only one thing I wanted to believe, that he’d come back home. When that didn’t come to fruition, it was believing that life would end shortly thereafter. It didn’t. Nothing changed. It wouldn’t change until I started believing.Believing that I could survive. That I should…
I can’t remember if I remember
I wrote this post on my personal blog back in April of 2012, but it was ringing in my ears this week, as I was trying to remember details and was getting frustrated about the pieces I couldn’t recover. I had a horrifying experience this week: I couldn’t remember.It started with a drive to meet my sister-in-law in Canada. The drive was a…
Progress
“The way of progress is neither swift nor easy.” -Marie Curie …… is not a word I would’ve used to describe any part of my “After” in the first few years. Hell, I was trying too hard to just keep breathing, to just stay alive when I’d really rather not. Progress? Who gave a damn about progress …… I was using most of my…
Letter
I was looking through my miscellaneous writing pieces and found this letter I wrote myself during my writing workshop circle many months ago. The prompt we’d be given was to imagine you’re yourself from the future writing to the present you. I think I may have posted this before, but once is not enough for this one. I wish my internal voice always…
Almost time to say goodbye
Maggie died in May 2009. I’ve been writing on Widow’s Voice since April 2011. I don’t write as often as the other bloggers because I guess I’m the quiet one. Yet I hope that my infrequency has been inversely reflected in the intensity of my posts; I’ve been open and honest and shared all that I’ve been working through. My path…
Withdrawal
Time is healing me, I suppose, but it’s also taking me further and further away from Dave. Each day that passes is more time without the love, comfort and stability he so freely gave me. As the days pile up, I’m going more and more crazy for the comfort a loving spouse can bring. It’s been so long since he’s told me he loves me, wrapped his arms…
the unhelpful helper
When I first became a widow, I wanted everyone to go away. I did not want to talk, discuss, be comforted, or hear anyone. I found everything overwhelming and the need to communicate with others verbally was not at all on the list of desired actions. I was annoyed by the needs of others. Their want to know I was okay or that the kids were…
How Do You Prepare Someone ….
How Do You Prepare Someone ….for the loss of their spouse? The answer is easy. You can’t. Oh, you can tell them to get their finances in order, to say “I love you” a million times, to make sure their name is on everything from the mortgage to the utility bills, but how can you prepare their heart? It’s impossible.I recently “met” a woman who…
thank you….mostly
I met a recently widowed woman in the doctor’s office the other day. We talked sadly yet conspiratorially. I nodded as she mentioned having trouble trusting herself in public as she was concerned she would either throw up her hands and scream at all the ridiculous and vacuous frivolity that seems to go on in the world unnoticed by ‘normal’ folk or…
Counting
Day 42 I count …the days.I count to remind myself that I have only begun, that I am a newcomer to this kind of grief. I count the days to get me to the next one. Each time I count a day I tell myself that some day, when there are three or four numbers in that count, it will not hurt so deeply.I count the days to remind myself not to expect too…
Whose Name?
Whose name do I put on the school forms for the kids in the space where it says… In Case of Emergency? ——- The 11th day is 6.5 hours from being over. I am not dressed. I did not do my hair. I have not put on my contact lenses. I wear a pair of Uggs, sweatpants, a long john shirt and a fleece. The plumber will just have to deal with it. I…