Grains of Grief “I’m too young for this loss. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen. It’s all going so fast. How has so much of my life been chipped away from me so soon? We were supposed to have more of our lives together.” Those who lack loss walk through life unable […]
Widowed Without Children
Focus and Chaos
Before the death of Don Shepherd, my mind and brain quite easily handled multiple tasks at once. My life in NYC was frantic, chaotic, colorful, probably way too busy, and with high stress levels. It was also the life of a struggling artist. I was younger then, and I think because mostly the multiple jobs […]
The Grief Graduate
It’s been almost 4 years since Clayton died. I was struck by that fact this week. I’ve been without him for as long as I was in high school. The biggest difference is that my schooling in sadness occurred much faster than K-12. Year 1 felt like being a scared kid starting up class in […]
Loving him was red.
So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together, and so many big life moments together. I have no engagement photos or stories, no wedding videos, no “bought our first […]
Filtering Out the Fiction
Moving from the apartment where I became widowed has had a lot of competing emotions. Taking down the photos that Clayton hung up and seeing just my dog Roan standing in our empty apartment hit me hard. Real life becomes more real in some pretty harsh, unexpected waves and ways. Worn out carpet where Clayton […]
The Magic of the Season
I remember the magic of the holidays when I was younger. Time went by at a much slower pace waiting for that one special night followed by a day of jolly and cheer. Christmas Eve we would spend with my mom’s side of the family surrounded by aunts, uncle, cousins and grandparents. Each year my […]
A Change of Address
I’ve lived at my apartment for almost 6 years and alone in it without Clayton for almost 4 years. I am 100% full accepting that I’ve stayed in “our” apartment to press pause on parts of my life. I couldn’t have Clayton back but I could wrap myself up in him through the photos he […]
Change
I have a giant vase full of change. It occurred to me today that I’ve been collecting all the change I find along the past 4.5ish years since day 1 of widowhood. Look at all that change. Interesting how one word can mean so much and so little to others. Some fear change and others […]
The Little Boy and the Box of Crayons
As I keep walking forward along this widowed path, I’m coming across familiar terrain that I thought I left far behind in my life. No one really tells you that when you become widowed you revisit all of your old worries so I’m going to say it now for those who follow me in grief […]
In-Flight Fear
I’m afraid of heights. I have been completely frozen on the top of a ladder. I stand back from windows in a tall building and the idea of skydiving is sheer terror to me. Strangely enough, I love roller coasters and I don’t mind flying. I think the security in being seated helps combat the […]
Grief Gaps
Love and loss are the great unifiers. Later in life the family seems to only get together for weddings and funerals. The most interesting part of my grief is how separated and alone I felt even though I was surrounded by love and support. I was kept separate from the rest of life by the […]
Past to the Present – A Look Back in Widowed Time
Clayton has been gone for over three years now. A lot has changed. On a day to day, I don’t realize just how far I have traveled. This week has had a lot of old memories stir but not for the worse, for the better. The week brought about events and memories that could have […]