I’ve lived at my apartment for almost 6 years and alone in it without Clayton for almost 4 years. I am 100% full accepting that I’ve stayed in “our” apartment to press pause on parts of my life. I couldn’t have Clayton back but I could wrap myself up in him through the photos he hung, walks he painted and the items he place. Until now, moving to me meant guilt that I was leaving him behind. I just couldn’t move forward from that space for a lot of reasons. Some based in logic and others based on emotions. Regardless of the reasons, they were exactly the right ones for me.
Part of grief is grasping for grounding. For some of us, it’s holding on to objects and staying put in one spot. For others it might be throwing everything out and changing your address but neither are wrong if it helps you process your new normal. Either way change is inevitable.
April 16th, 2018 brought about a 180 degree change I never expected and 2021 has done it again. I never thought id be widowed until all of a sudden I was. I never thought I’d find love again until all of a sudden I had. I never thought I’d change my address until yesterday when all of a sudden I did.
Part of me has always felt guilt that I get to live these experiences and Clayton couldn’t. Yesterday at closing my realtor shared the story of how I had told him my birthday was tough from my guilt. He shared with the room that he surprised us during my birthday dinner about being under contract on the house. He shared with everyone that I deserved the good things in my life and all of a sudden my guilt was gone.
I didn’t choose for Clayton to get sick. I didn’t choose to be widowed at 39 years old. I did, however, chose to breathe, chose stand up and chose to take each day one step at a time. I chose to let myself smile, laugh, dance and live again.
So today I woke up starting a new part of my journey – A home owner. There will be moments of excitement and moments of mourning as I pack up the things and take the photos down that Clayton hung up. I’m going to have moments during moving when I smile and I cry at our memories and that’s normal. I realize now that a change of an address isn’t moving on from your past but moving forward with it…