Widow's Voice

A Change of Address

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I’ve lived at my apartment for almost 6 years and alone in it without Clayton for almost 4 years. I am 100% full accepting that I’ve stayed in “our” apartment to press pause on parts of my life. I couldn’t have Clayton back but I could wrap myself up in him through the photos he hung, walks he painted and the items he place. Until now, moving to me meant guilt that I was leaving him behind. I just couldn’t move forward from that space for a lot of reasons. Some based in logic and others based on emotions. Regardless of the reasons, they were exactly the right ones for me.
Part of grief is grasping for grounding. For some of us, it’s holding on to objects and staying put in one spot. For others it might be throwing everything out and changing your address but neither are wrong if it helps you process your new normal. Either way change is inevitable.
April 16th, 2018 brought about a 180 degree change I never expected and 2021 has done it again. I never thought id be widowed until all of a sudden I was. I never thought I’d find love again until all of a sudden I had. I never thought I’d change my address until yesterday when all of a sudden I did.
Part of me has always felt guilt that I get to live these experiences and Clayton couldn’t. Yesterday at closing my realtor shared the story of how I had told him my birthday was tough from my guilt. He shared with the room that he surprised us during my birthday dinner about being under contract on the house. He shared with everyone that I deserved the good things in my life and all of a sudden my guilt was gone.
I didn’t choose for Clayton to get sick. I didn’t choose to be widowed at 39 years old. I did, however, chose to breathe, chose stand up and chose to take each day one step at a time. I chose to let myself smile, laugh, dance and live again.
So today I woke up starting a new part of my journey – A home owner. There will be moments of excitement and moments of mourning as I pack up the things and take the photos down that Clayton hung up. I’m going to have moments during moving when I smile and I cry at our memories and that’s normal. I realize now that a change of an address isn’t moving on from your past but moving forward with it…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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