Grains of Grief
“I’m too young for this loss. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen. It’s all going so fast. How has so much of my life been chipped away from me so soon? We were supposed to have more of our lives together.”
Those who lack loss walk through life unable to fully understand the uncomfortable burden that the bereaved must bear. They get to keep the one thing we are all born with – the privilege of innocence. Ignorance is a true form of bliss until the wind whipped gravel leaves you covered in blisters. It’s not their fault that our path has lead us into the sands but I have asked many times why me and not someone else. Why am I the one who has to withstand this weather?
Erosion is often seen as a slow, natural process but the sudden impact of the widowed sandstorm sends you decades into the future buried under the dunes. We never expect to be so weathered so early. The pressure builds and some of that sand turns to sharp shards of glass. You definitely don’t expect the small emotional insults that come as you continue to dig yourself out as you grow through grief.
Looking back, I thought I’d be forever buried under those dunes. In my despair, I had forgotten that nothing is forever and everything will change. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but, in time, I have reached the surface.
“Stand up and dust yourself off.”
Sounds familiar but shattered feelings don’t drift away like dust, they stick to you like grains of sand irritating, abrasive and often times out of sight of others, the grief grit scratching beneath the surface. All of them wanting attention, each one becoming another emotional obligation after the obituary.
For a while, I thought I was just a lesser version of myself until I realized we all start off as a solid block that is carved by our experiences, eroded by our emotions and ultimately shape us into who we are meant to be. I may not have liked the erosion but I can say that I have weathered the storm. It took time but I stood up and started moving forward. I was bereavement buried but now I can breathe and start to brush off these grains of grief…
