After Dave died and the shock wore off, the big world became a scarier place. If he could be snatched away, what else could? If I stay close to home, says this fear-logic, I can somehow make sure the last remnants of that life won’t disappear too. My cats will be safe, my home will be intact and no one can hurt me more than I’ve already been…
Widowed Without Children
2012
Holy smokes, Batman. 2000 freakin’ 12. I don’t quite know how to simply describe 2011 or simply describe what I hope 2012 to be.I feel I’ve excelled. I feel I’ve failed. I feel I’ve laughed more. I feel I’ve been disappointed more. I feel I’ve grown. I feel I’ve shrunk. I feel I’ve exceeded my expectations. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I…
Dodging Bullets on New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve is my #1 most difficult holiday. More than Christmas, more than Halloween and more than Maggie’s birthday weekend (2nd weekend in December.) Saturday will mark the third without a midnight Maggie-and-Chris lip lock. It’s difficult to imagine kissing someone else on that day and at that time since her lips are the only ones…
With You
I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball. He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot. Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like…
Christmas Parties: Third Time’s The Charm
Somewhere between suffering that terrible first Christmas party alone and “Whoo hoo! It’s a Christmas party!” was my last weekend. This is the third holiday party season without my Angel holding my hand (and likely suggesting I wear a different shirt.) I had been dreading the holiday parties but my anticipation of misery far exceeded reality.
Withdrawal
Time is healing me, I suppose, but it’s also taking me further and further away from Dave. Each day that passes is more time without the love, comfort and stability he so freely gave me. As the days pile up, I’m going more and more crazy for the comfort a loving spouse can bring. It’s been so long since he’s told me he loves me, wrapped his arms…
Chapter Two
I now divide my life into two chapters. Chapter one began when I met Dave. My life path suddenly became clear with him. I felt really safe and loved for the first time. My grades in college improved, the lifelong battle I’d had with insomnia disappeared. I moved across the country to be with this man who turned my world around. We spent…
Weird
I’d be lying if I said I miss being weird…I still am and will always be. But oh…how I miss being weird with him. Not so much weird with him, but ourselves completely. I impressed him with my Gallum impersonation. He impressed me with his Chewbacca roar. He spent his lunch breaks watching Star Trek Next Generation, and loved that I collected…
Troubles with Facebook, Women and Badges
Hanging out a while back I was chatting with a female friend-of-a-friend having a great (non-romantic) time. Eventually, we decided we should become Facebook friends. I suggested she find my profile and send me a “friend request.” She typed and searched as I spelled out my name (‘C’, ‘H’… yes “Chris”. “Weaver” – ‘W’,…
Business of Change
Today marks 869 days since Maggie’s Angel Day. Being that specific implies more preoccupation than is truly representative of my mental state. But being that specific makes me think about how far I’ve come and how far I’ve still to go. (I’ll save you the math: 869 days is roughly 124 weeks, 29 months or just nearly 2 ½ years. From official…
I’m Failing
I’m failing. No, not with mourning and recovery. That, my psychologist reassures me, I’m doing quite well with. In fact, he tells me that I’m doing extraordinarily well – best he’s seen. (Read the next word in your best dripping sarcasm voice:) Yaaaay! I’m failing at getting back into life.I’m just stuck and I don’t know how to get…
Remembering
I was looking for the perfect quotation or saying for a friend going through her hero’s angel-versary and came across this excerpt. May you remember your love in the best of times and worst…and may your lives be enhanced through that action…As the four year mark creeps up on me, remembrance has been one thing to get me through the present.This…