When I began to write, I realized that I do not have a lot to say today and my brain is going in a million directions. I think it may be because life has been pretty busy lately. My dad requires more care, a responsibility I share with my mom and sister, and I am in school for my Ph.D. which means never-ending reading and writing. I haven’t given myself a lot of space this week.
Thinking about the busyness reminded me that I need to be intentional about making space for my grief. In the past, when I’ve gotten too busy and wrapped up in day-to-day life, I often have pushed my grief to the side. This has resulted in instances where the grief was so strong that it spilled out of me and overwhelmed me. After pushing it down, it managed to make its way to the surface with incredible force. I know that I need to care for my grief because it isn’t going away. Writing for this blog is one way I know that I can care for my grief. For me, it means paying attention to it. Letting myself meditate on how I am feeling. There are always little “stings” throughout the day and I do not always give myself time to reflect on them.
Today, one of those stings happened in a discussion with a family friend undergoing fertility treatment. The couple decided that if one of them were to die and there was a fertilized embryo in “storage”, that they would not want to keep it, but instead it would be given to research. As soon as this was said, I felt a little pinch. It was grief. The timing was all wrong for Boris and me to have a baby, but there are some days that I wish I had that connection with him. I always thought we’d have the chance to at least consider having a family. I wish that the opportunity was available, but it is not. The loss of a future with him is one of the most painful parts of this grief. Everything was cut short. When I felt uneasy and that grief “pinch”, I pushed it down to carry on with the conversation. But, tonight I am allowing myself to think about this and process it a bit more.
Perhaps I will write about this topic again in the future after I have allowed myself to sit with this a bit longer. My overall reminder for myself today is to create space and time to process my grief. I hope that anyone reading this will do the same for themselves.