Widow's Voice

Taking Time for My Grief

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When I began to write, I realized that I do not have a lot to say today and my brain is going in a million directions. I think it may be because life has been pretty busy lately. My dad requires more care, a responsibility I share with my mom and sister, and I am in school for my Ph.D. which means never-ending reading and writing. I haven’t given myself a lot of space this week.  

Thinking about the busyness reminded me that I need to be intentional about making space for my grief. In the past, when I’ve gotten too busy and wrapped up in day-to-day life, I often have pushed my grief to the side. This has resulted in instances where the grief was so strong that it spilled out of me and overwhelmed me. After pushing it down, it managed to make its way to the surface with incredible force. I know that I need to care for my grief because it isn’t going away. Writing for this blog is one way I know that I can care for my grief. For me, it means paying attention to it. Letting myself meditate on how I am feeling. There are always little “stings” throughout the day and I do not always give myself time to reflect on them. 

Today, one of those stings happened in a discussion with a family friend undergoing fertility treatment. The couple decided that if one of them were to die and there was a fertilized embryo in “storage”, that they would not want to keep it, but instead it would be given to research. As soon as this was said, I felt a little pinch. It was grief. The timing was all wrong for Boris and me to have a baby, but there are some days that I wish I had that connection with him. I always thought we’d have the chance to at least consider having a family. I wish that the opportunity was available, but it is not. The loss of a future with him is one of the most painful parts of this grief. Everything was cut short. When I felt uneasy and that grief “pinch”, I pushed it down to carry on with the conversation. But, tonight I am allowing myself to think about this and process it a bit more. 

Perhaps I will write about this topic again in the future after I have allowed myself to sit with this a bit longer. My overall reminder for myself today is to create space and time to process my grief. I hope that anyone reading this will do the same for themselves.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.