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The Pain and Possibilities of “Yes”

Posted on: November 28, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying no stopped the world and that is just where I wanted to be.

As time began to pass, I would start saying yes to the basics of life just to function like “normal” out there in the big world. I had to say yes to working (two jobs now). I had to say yes to folding my clothes, washing the dishes and making my bed. Slowly I got my feet back under me and stood up to start walking my journey but, this time it was just me. No advice from Clayton. No reassurance. No map. Just a broken compass in my heart and fear I’d pick the wrong path.

Through the first year, I walked guardedly through widowed mist seeing shadows, hearing strange sounds and continuing to say “No”. Friends would call to me to follow their voices and go out. – “No”.

I just couldn’t bare to step into a space where Tin and I had created a memory, or worse, see others getting to have the memories we never made. I can’t. It’s painful. – “No”.

I’ve said no to many things over the past 2.5 years because I feared the pain in the possibilities of yes. Yes meant allowing others in and what if I lost them too. I said no to dinners, drinks, dancing. I said no to opening up to new people and I said no to celebrating anything including holidays. What I’ve realized this year is that being afraid of the possible pain is also keeping me from the possibility of creating another fulfilling life. I’ve been feeling trapped in this crushed kingdom and my only choice is to say “No” or “Yes”. Now it’s time to start saying yes and not fear the possibilities of hurt, rejection and failure. I’ve already endured the weight of all three of those possibilities but I have to have faith that muscle memory will keep me standing if the weight returns.

I’ve started to say yes to the one thing that can help me find my new world. I am saying yes to trying. I’ll try and I’ll keep reminding myself that you can’t fail if you don’t try but you can’t succeed either. The past month has been a whole lot of diving in and saying yes to trying. I said yes to date someone but that has fallen back to being a friendship. It’s ok because, buried in the possibility of failure, was actually a gift – The knowledge that I could say “Yes” to trying to find love again.

Yesterday was one of the hardest “Yes” moments of my widowed wondering. Staying with a friend for Thanksgiving put me into a scary situation. Holiday decorating happens next. Three years ago to the day, Clayton, my mom and I went shopping. I stood back and soaked in what I knew would be a beautifully painful memory, Clayton and my mom searching for that one special tree – His last one. I haven’t decorated since.

All day yesterday I replayed that memory. I had moments where tears wanted to well up but I focused on “yes”. Even if I cried my eyes out putting up decorations, it was going to be the best try because it was my first try. So as I picked up a decoration to hang, I paused, hesitated and then said “yes”. I placed the silver ornament on the tree and stood back. I had done it. No one in the room realized what had just happened but I realized I was ok. A monumental event bathed in lights alongside laughter, holiday music and all possibilities…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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