I’m going to let you in on a little secret… one that I’m not even sure I’ve fully admitted to myself. I’m scared. My best friend is due to have her first baby in less than five weeks and I’m starting to feel absolutely petrified about it. Amidst all the excitement and happiness over the past few months that has surrounded her pregnancy,…
Widowed Without Children
An Empty Ritual
My Christmas tree is up. It nearly didn’t happen. Again. I had that moment where I didn’t see the point, with the same questions I’ve asked myself for the preview two years since he passed. I thought ‘I live alone, I won’t even be here on Christmas day – I’ll be at my sister’s house. It’s so depressing to decorate a tree on your own, why…
Surprised by the Loneliness
Last week I wrote about how excited I was to be heading off on a holiday with my family and it was a wonderful break. I have a close family and adore my three nephews. Spending time with them playing on the resort waterslide, watching them learn about a different culture, even accommodating four-year-old cranky tantrums (when routine is broken…
A Bit of Happiness for Me
Last Sunday I hosted my best friend’s baby shower. I felt honored to play such a key role in the celebration her pending arrival but, as expected, it really took it out of me. Through the endless baby chat and the parade of adorable presents I was able to fix my smile in place and compartmentalise the pain of my own broken heart but after the last…
A Friend and A Widow
This week I did something that I never thought I’d have the strength to do when Dan died… I attended a full-day birthing class with my best friend and her husband. They’ve asked me to participate in the birth of their first baby in January as a support person and birthing partner, which is an incredible honour and something I very much want…
To Wait or to Do it Alone…
I’ve written in the past about how one of the factors of my husband’s death that causes me a lot of sadness is that we didn’t get the opportunity to have a family. Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself, but this is what’s on my mind this week. At the time of his death we were talking a lot about trying to conceive within the next year or…
Over It
After a long day at work yesterday, teaching Theatre and Comedy courses at the University I work at and have worked at for 15 years, I came home to find out about the awful, horrific shooting at Oregon’s Umpqua College. I had sat down and put my TV on in order to feel relaxed after a tiring day, and instead, I found myself feeling once again…
The Tangible Taste of Missing Him
I’ve had a lot of those moments this week where the missing of Dan has been sharp and hard and tangible. I’m always conscious of him not being here – even when I’m laughing or having fun, there’s always that subtle sense of his absence. I never forget. However time has gently smoothed some of the corners so that the missing of…
Widowed… without children
The past couple of months have been a bit unsettled for me, with our wedding anniversary in June and then Dan’s death anniversary in July. I’ve been so focussed on getting through this difficult patch that my 35th birthday, somewhere in the middle, passed by without too much of a fuss. I had a nice day and celebrated with family and…
Around the Corner
On July 12th, 2011, during another ordinary day in my previous life, I could have never in a zillion years predicted or seen coming that only hours later, my husband would leave for work and never return again. I could NOT have foreseen that he would be sitting at the computer desk in our bedroom one minute, and the next morning,I would be jarred…
What About Don?
It is now 3 years and almost 11 months (next week)since my beautiful husband left for work and never came home. In that time, I have (and still do) been to grief counseling weekly, tried many different widowed support groups, become a member of several online and in-person groups for widowed people, found support through Soaring Spirits and have…
Oh Happy Day
Something really awesome happened this week. A very dear friend found out she was pregnant and rather than feel that expected pang of grief that had become standard when I hear of someone else’s ‘happy life announcement’, my first thought was how wonderfully excited I was for her. This is huge you guys! For 22 months now, I’ve had…