It’s been over two years since I wrote the following blog. We carry grief like an autoimmune issue. It’s always going to be part of us and can flare up. I constantly look back at where I was to remind me of what I’ve grown through. Life has blessed me with a second chance and […]
Widowed Without Children
Back in Week Number One
Clayton, The buildup towards your funeral is tearing open wounds I thought were scared strong. I wrote about it last week and what has changed is the intensity and the heaviness. This all should have happened four years ago when the original storm hit. My grief timeline is so out of phase it’s uncharted waters. […]
Fighting Through Inertia
The confluence of two celebratory occasions, Father’s Day, and my birthday, leaves me in a pensive mood today. As I have told you before, I have not fathered any children, a fact that is among my regrets in this life. Unlike Mick Jagger, whose youngest child was born in 2016 when Mick was already in […]
The Weight of the Wait
There’s a heaviness of my grief that I haven’t talked much about and that grows closer to the end of watching someone die. You know it’s coming. You know it’s soon. For a long time you pray you get to keep them for as much time as possible but near the end my mind changed. […]
Fun in Funeral?
I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was put on pause and so has a lot of my growing through grief. Searching for flights and making travel arrangements didn’t cause […]
The Department of Care-Griever Collections (DCGC)
I’ve brought up some of the ins and outs of being a care-griever. I can’t speak to the emotions that come with sudden loss but I can speak about the experience watching someone you love slowly fade. Being a caregiver for Clayton I had the outward goal to provide him comfort for the rest of […]
A Frightening Game
I think it is important to continue to evaluate your emotions as you travel further forward into the future leaving behind that milestone marked as your new start – AL (After Loss). We categorize our lives on timelines and anniversaries of all types. My cathartic calendar holds holidays, birthdays, reunions, and all kinds of anniversaries. […]
Love has Paws
Dear Kitty Cat, What a silly name your dad gave you. I tried to convince him to choose a more creative name, but he was settled on Kitty Cat. Now, I couldn’t imagine you having any other name. And I could not imagine life without you, though I know all too well how fragile that […]
These Soft and Coarse Sands of Time
The course of time is told by the passing of both soft and coarse sands. Some experiences feel gentle and powder fine while others sting and erode me in these whipping widowed winds. Five. How is it already five years since you’ve been gone? How is it that I didn’t know if I’d make it […]
Whistling Past the Graveyard
As I wrote last week, I attended the Covid-belated life celebration of an old friend. Other old friends attended, so the event turned into a bit of a reunion for us. People took the opportunity to catch up, which at this stage in our lives seems mainly to center on personal health, children, and grandchildren. […]
Another STep Upwards on this Grief Grise
The thing about a grief journey is that it’s never over. Every step you take onward and upward holds an emotional echo. Some days it’s constantly ringing in your ear and other times it a distant whisper at the bottom of a staircase. Either way you still keep climbing to find the next landing. A […]
Reflection that Resonates: PEP in My Steps Forward
This is the 169th widowed blog I’ve written. In 28 days, it will be the fifth anniversary of Clayton’s death. I have been widowed longer than I was in high school or college. If that’s the case, did I float through my Grief grades or have I been applying myself to Life’s lessons? The only […]