I’ve brought up some of the ins and outs of being a care-griever. I can’t speak to the emotions that come with sudden loss but I can speak about the experience watching someone you love slowly fade. Being a caregiver for Clayton I had the outward goal to provide him comfort for the rest of his days. The inward goal, hold on to him as long as possible in hopes we found something that could save him. Watching him go from a strong man to a shadow of himself in just 8 months and not being able to do anything to stop it made me feel completely powerless. I’ve talked to many care-grievers and one common denominator we all share is the after-tax. The “Department of Care-Griever collections” comes around quickly and often. The toll is different each time so you can’t anticipate and set aside a rainy day feelings fund to cover the costs.

Dear Care-Griever,

The Department of Care-Griever Collections demands payment immediately on the following debts and will be paid in full by heavy bereavement burdens.

1. You did not do enough for Clayton when you took care of him.
2. You should have slept less to do more.
3. You could have gotten him his favorite foods more.
4. You didn’t keep the water of the bath perfect when you had to bathe him because he couldn’t do it himself.
5. You didn’t save him

Total Balance to be paid in the form of fear and personal guilt:

1. Fear that everyone around you could die at any time
2. Fear that you’ll have to go through it again
3. Fear that you’ll be next
4. Forever wondering if you did enough for him

Sincerely,

The DCGC

It’s been over 4 years of getting these notices showing up in my mind unexpectedly. The firsts were always joined with a sinking feeling and a “what am I going to do now” state of fear. How can I emotionally pay this? After awhile of paying the dues, I realized my bereavement balance wasn’t going down. My payments were actually reinvesting and adding to those fear-filled finances. The DCGC had no right to continue to collect from me. I have paid my fair share in grief and loss. I decided they weren’t going to get any more of me. So nowadays when the memory mailman delivers the newest Care-Griever bill I just tear it up and throw it away. It’s nothing but junk mail. I know I did everything I could for him and that’s the only thing that matters so from here on out I’ll continue my care-griever journey tax-free.