The course of time is told by the passing of both soft and coarse sands. Some experiences feel gentle and powder fine while others sting and erode me in these whipping widowed winds.
Five. How is it already five years since you’ve been gone? How is it that I didn’t know if I’d make it through day 1 but now I’m here 1,461 days later? It’s interesting that my blog day lands right on your death day. It’s interesting that this weekend is Easter. What if you rose from the dead tomorrow? I have wished that so many times but after 1,461 days what would I do?
It’s been 5 years and, although I still love you, I’m in a new and completely different space in my life. I have so much gratitude for the gifts I have been given but it was at the expense of losing you. How do I describe these sandy grains? How does one balance both the grains of grief and gratitude?
I don’t voice it much but it all makes me wonder about how things will eventually change. What I thought was the end of my world turned out to be a sudden start of a new chapter. I could have hidden away for fear of the rough times but I would have let the good times slip right through my hands. Would I even appreciate my feet in the soft sand had I not been buried first in dunes of bereavement?
I’ve realized now that my grief and gratitude will forever go hand in hand. My life will always consist of a balance between these soft and coarse sands of time. I don’t know how much time has been planned for me. The only thing I do know is that I deserve all the moments in soft sand and all the smiles that are waiting for me in my future. Somewhere somehow you, Tin, are guiding me forever forward…