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Fun in Funeral?

Posted on: May 28, 2022 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was put on pause and so has a lot of my growing through grief. Searching for flights and making travel arrangements didn’t cause sadness, it caused anger and frustration. Over four years and now I’m trying to process these feelings but all I want to do is yell at Father Time for laying out such a broken schedule. I guess I can only be mad at myself for placing expectations on how someone’s passing should look. It goes along with the fairytale ending – Happily ever after includes funerals that happen faster right?

Only and already over four years. Clayton I hope you understand just why we haven’t gotten everyone together like you wished. I wanted every one of your last wishes to be fulfilled just as you asked. We had to put celebrating you on pause because your mother had a stroke, the world had a pandemic and I had to keep moving forward without you. So much has changed in four years and so much is just unfair. I don’t even know if we will ever have the celebration you wanted at the Alamo Café in San Antonio. Time has certainly put Texas on the back burner and I’m sorry but I hope you know it’s not my fault. I tried.

I thought I was past the anger phase but, to be very honest, I’m not. By now I should have had the closure I deserve from your funeral. I wouldn’t be over losing you because you don’t get over grief but I would have at least had this cornerstone placed in my path. I know it’s all part of some journey and I’ll find more lessons in your leaving but booking that flight last night really hurt. I’m at the point in life that I realize just how fast time flies. I don’t take one second for granted so I’m very tired of other people directing my time and it’s even harder that this demand is calling out from beyond the grave. I know that it’s just part of life but I’ve more than earned my freedom from all this overbooked bereavement. I’m even mad that I’m using my flyer points to make the flight affordable instead of going on a trip for myself. I feel a little selfish saying that but also don’t I deserve the fun?

I know it’s no one’s fault. Somehow I’ll see the good in this experience and share that perspective. Clayton I hope you know how many people you have helped since you moved forward but don’t you think it’s ironic that the word “fun” is buried in the word funeral…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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