I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was put on pause and so has a lot of my growing through grief. Searching for flights and making travel arrangements didn’t cause sadness, it caused anger and frustration. Over four years and now I’m trying to process these feelings but all I want to do is yell at Father Time for laying out such a broken schedule. I guess I can only be mad at myself for placing expectations on how someone’s passing should look. It goes along with the fairytale ending – Happily ever after includes funerals that happen faster right?

Only and already over four years. Clayton I hope you understand just why we haven’t gotten everyone together like you wished. I wanted every one of your last wishes to be fulfilled just as you asked. We had to put celebrating you on pause because your mother had a stroke, the world had a pandemic and I had to keep moving forward without you. So much has changed in four years and so much is just unfair. I don’t even know if we will ever have the celebration you wanted at the Alamo Café in San Antonio. Time has certainly put Texas on the back burner and I’m sorry but I hope you know it’s not my fault. I tried.

I thought I was past the anger phase but, to be very honest, I’m not. By now I should have had the closure I deserve from your funeral. I wouldn’t be over losing you because you don’t get over grief but I would have at least had this cornerstone placed in my path. I know it’s all part of some journey and I’ll find more lessons in your leaving but booking that flight last night really hurt. I’m at the point in life that I realize just how fast time flies. I don’t take one second for granted so I’m very tired of other people directing my time and it’s even harder that this demand is calling out from beyond the grave. I know that it’s just part of life but I’ve more than earned my freedom from all this overbooked bereavement. I’m even mad that I’m using my flyer points to make the flight affordable instead of going on a trip for myself. I feel a little selfish saying that but also don’t I deserve the fun?

I know it’s no one’s fault. Somehow I’ll see the good in this experience and share that perspective. Clayton I hope you know how many people you have helped since you moved forward but don’t you think it’s ironic that the word “fun” is buried in the word funeral…