Clayton,

The buildup towards your funeral is tearing open wounds I thought were scared strong. I wrote about it last week and what has changed is the intensity and the heaviness. This all should have happened four years ago when the original storm hit. My grief timeline is so out of phase it’s uncharted waters.

I chose a song for you. It’s Adele’s “Make You Feel My Love”. I haven’t really listened to her since you passed away. You loved her so much that it’s been hard to listen and now I’m being forced too. Her music is incredible, and I’ve been avoiding it so, I guess, thank you for reminding me and forcing me to allow her melodies back into my memories.

Yesterday I called to order flowers for your service. I thought it was going to be easy until the woman asked:

“What would you like the card to say?”

I couldn’t control the tears and had to explain why I was so taken back. This timeline is so out of order, and it hit hardest ordering those flowers.

The rest of my day, I felt like I was outside of myself, disconnected and flooded with memories. I tried to listen to music, talk on the phone and dance around the house but memories and images kept playing on repeat. I went to sleep only to have a night of nightmares. Anything that I’ve ever been afraid of was showing up in my dreams. I woke up in a panic. Here I am back again in week one without you. I have to go to work because we are beyond the “normal” timeline society gives us for grief. New parents get more time off for gaining a life than we get for the loss of one.

I’m managing as best I can. I just want to get some rest but when my eyes are closed the monsters come out of the closet. So I’m wrapped up in my blanket today in hopes they can’t find me and I’ll stay safe. I just need to get through a few more days to finally be through week number one…