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Back in Week Number One

Posted on: July 9, 2022 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Clayton,

The buildup towards your funeral is tearing open wounds I thought were scared strong. I wrote about it last week and what has changed is the intensity and the heaviness. This all should have happened four years ago when the original storm hit. My grief timeline is so out of phase it’s uncharted waters.

I chose a song for you. It’s Adele’s “Make You Feel My Love”. I haven’t really listened to her since you passed away. You loved her so much that it’s been hard to listen and now I’m being forced too. Her music is incredible, and I’ve been avoiding it so, I guess, thank you for reminding me and forcing me to allow her melodies back into my memories.

Yesterday I called to order flowers for your service. I thought it was going to be easy until the woman asked:

“What would you like the card to say?”

I couldn’t control the tears and had to explain why I was so taken back. This timeline is so out of order, and it hit hardest ordering those flowers.

The rest of my day, I felt like I was outside of myself, disconnected and flooded with memories. I tried to listen to music, talk on the phone and dance around the house but memories and images kept playing on repeat. I went to sleep only to have a night of nightmares. Anything that I’ve ever been afraid of was showing up in my dreams. I woke up in a panic. Here I am back again in week one without you. I have to go to work because we are beyond the “normal” timeline society gives us for grief. New parents get more time off for gaining a life than we get for the loss of one.

I’m managing as best I can. I just want to get some rest but when my eyes are closed the monsters come out of the closet. So I’m wrapped up in my blanket today in hopes they can’t find me and I’ll stay safe. I just need to get through a few more days to finally be through week number one…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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