This is the 169th widowed blog I’ve written. In 28 days, it will be the fifth anniversary of Clayton’s death. I have been widowed longer than I was in high school or college. If that’s the case, did I float through my Grief grades or have I been applying myself to Life’s lessons? The only way to know is to do what I found to be the toughest part of the road after loss:
Day by day it’s hard to see or feel positivity, energy or purpose in the start of my journey but with a library of enlightenment from my passed blogs, I can see that I have come further than Year One’s fog, Year Two’s anger, Year Three’s fight towards acceptance. It’s here, near the end of Year Four, that I stopped to look back at what I left behind that had originally left me first.
Just 2 years ago I was struggling with grief and being thrown into solitude by a world wide crisis. I was going to slip backwards and I needed to throw myself a lifeline. I had to search for gratitude in the garbage. Little did I know that anchor rope would lead me to a reflection that truly resonates in the present.
It’s not hope that things will get better which lead me forward – It was gratitude. Gratitude for what I had, have and will be given. Loss is unavoidable but time and time again I realize I could stay behind lost in loss or choose to look for the gift’s left behind by grief.
Finding gratitude in Grief’s garbage has been the thing that has gotten me to where I am today. Sure there are days that are tougher than others but, over all, giving gratitude has, in fact, gifted me with pep (positivity, energy, purpose) in my steps…