It’s been almost 4 years since Clayton died. I was struck by that fact this week. I’ve been without him for as long as I was in high school. The biggest difference is that my schooling in sadness occurred much faster than K-12.
Year 1 felt like being a scared kid starting up class in emotional elementary except with no holidays or summer breaks from bereavement to look forward too. The grief grades seemed to go slow in the moment with uncomfortable classes full of life lessons yet, in the blink of and eye, I now feel like a senior in class. A look back at my complicated report card shows a rocky road that would appear I failed at times only to realize that it’s normal to get an “A” in anger, a “C” in confusion and an “F” in the subjects of fear and frustration. A long list on the sensitive syllabus.
At first I only looked at how I thought I failed each semester but my transcripts show that I also got an “H” in happiness and an “L“ in love. Life hasn’t been pass or fail. I’ve actually succeeded at each task. I’ve survived 100% of my hardest days and I deserve the extra credit for the added homework I’ve done on my own self along this track.
I’m ready for the feelings finals on my emotional exams. More often than not, we hear people say they have “moved on”. I’m here to authentically and honestly tell you that you will never “move on” from your grief. You can leave that little trama town behind but the bereavement goes with you because you are forever enrolled in the University of the Universe.
Years later I can look back at my yearbook yearning for simpler times. I know now that I am not done learning and I accept that I’ll never fully be grief free until my time is up. I still have a lot of work to do here before that day so that means I’m not ready yet to be a grief graduate…
