Dear Tin, It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For […]
Nothing and Everything to Say
As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I […]
Please Pass the Salt
When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?” I said. “I’ll eat anything else.” “You’ll eat what’s put in front of you.” said my Dad. He […]
Season of Anger
I try to stay pretty positive but I’m already furious at all of those people who are complaining they are going crazy being stuck at home with their spouses and their children. I understand how this weird situation can be on everyone but can they just manage one week of being inconvenienced before jumping on […]
Finding Grief in the Garbage
This is all very strange. The world has come to a slow crawl with this corona virus and it’s a bit disorienting. I’ve had some tough times in life but I choose to focus on the positive outcomes through adversity…. Let’s all find gratitude in the garbage. I am grateful for an amazingly supportive management […]
Gravely Grateful
“I wished he was dead!” she said. “I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction. The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how […]
Arriving in Community
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]
Two Unlikely Companions
Boarding my plane to attend and present at the Soaring Spirits LGBTQ widowed event in Los Angeles this week and feeling more nervous than I have ever felt speaking. I have presented in front of audiences over 500 people about a variety of topics from penguins to being widowed. Broad range of topics but my […]
Smoothing Out the Sea Glass
The intense emotions of losing Clayton are fewer these days. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. Double-edged sword I suppose. On one hand there is constant aching you can expect day after day. On the other hand you find reprieve from the bands of meteorological mess. Joy slips in, you drop […]
Moving Forward….
My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard but I know that I’ll be ok. I am safe. Since Tin’s passing, I have found that my open […]
Someone else’s memories *sigh*
Just an ordinary widowed day. Get up, brush my teeth, look at the dishes and laundry I didn’t have time to do, *sigh*, take the dog out – Pretty standard these days. Roan and I start our walk grabbing a bag because we pick up after ourselves. Well actually I clean up after us. Just me. No one to help. *sigh*. We walk the same way every morning…
Skeletons in the Closet
Well it’s almost 2 years now and I finally gave in. I haven’t really gone through our closet since Tin passed away. Each time I’d go in the closet I would feel like there were skeletons about to grab me. I’d choke up seeing a jacket he wore, a scarf he wrapped, a shirt that was there for a special event we had together. Sometimes I…