As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I guess I’m suffering from quarantine grief disorder. Heck, after all this we will all be diagnosed with PTCD – Post Traumatic Corona Disorder.
I’m so all over the place right now that I really don’t know what to write today. There is nothing and everything to say. I don’t have a specific focus for this week’s blog and I realize that is actually what I should write about. I always try to be present in my submissions and cover all aspects of my journey. I felt like I needed to have something today but it turns out that having nothing to say is also part of the everything. I just don’t really know what to say.
Over the past week, I have felt more distant from people despite what I’m doing to stay connected. It’s also upsetting to me that people don’t remember April 16th is the day but then again I can’t expect them to remember my grief-aversary.
The thing of it is that people are asking each other more and more how they are doing and I have so little and so much to say that I can’t express it.
“How are you doing with all this social distancing stuff?”
“Thursday is the day I lost Clayton only and already 2 years ago. I honestly don’t know.”
It says so little and so much all at once…
Two years ago, Julie was going downhill fast and we didn’t know why. She had been hospitalized in Feb and again in March and was working on OT and PT then could not do anything anymore. Her birthday is this month and I am trying g to not relive that trauma again, but here I am mentioning it.
I wish you peace and calm and good memories.
Bryan the why will never be answered. Over 8 years out and I still don’t have an answer. Having to do the self isolation is depressing, discouraging, draining and it takes a toll on us physically and emotionally. Sending (((Hugs))) as the day before is usually the worst day. I’m always available to talk if you want to. I will be keeping in my thoughts and prayers on the 2nd angleversary of Tin’s passing.
Peace and love
Janet