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Nothing and Everything to Say

Posted on: April 11, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I guess I’m suffering from quarantine grief disorder. Heck, after all this we will all be diagnosed with PTCD – Post Traumatic Corona Disorder.

I’m so all over the place right now that I really don’t know what to write today. There is nothing and everything to say. I don’t have a specific focus for this week’s blog and I realize that is actually what I should write about. I always try to be present in my submissions and cover all aspects of my journey. I felt like I needed to have something today but it turns out that having nothing to say is also part of the everything. I just don’t really know what to say.

Over the past week, I have felt more distant from people despite what I’m doing to stay connected. It’s also upsetting to me that people don’t remember April 16th is the day but then again I can’t expect them to remember my grief-aversary.

The thing of it is that people are asking each other more and more how they are doing and I have so little and so much to say that I can’t express it.

“How are you doing with all this social distancing stuff?”

“Thursday is the day I lost Clayton only and already 2 years ago. I honestly don’t know.”

It says so little and so much all at once…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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