As I’m just days away from the second anniversary of Clayton’s death, I’m finding myself in all sorts of mental states. The past 3 days I have been happy, sad, depressed, angry, energetic, exhausted, fearful, lonely, hurt, hungry, not hungry, over motivated and under-motivated. I want to talk and I don’t want to talk. I guess I’m suffering from quarantine grief disorder. Heck, after all this we will all be diagnosed with PTCD – Post Traumatic Corona Disorder.
I’m so all over the place right now that I really don’t know what to write today. There is nothing and everything to say. I don’t have a specific focus for this week’s blog and I realize that is actually what I should write about. I always try to be present in my submissions and cover all aspects of my journey. I felt like I needed to have something today but it turns out that having nothing to say is also part of the everything. I just don’t really know what to say.
Over the past week, I have felt more distant from people despite what I’m doing to stay connected. It’s also upsetting to me that people don’t remember April 16th is the day but then again I can’t expect them to remember my grief-aversary.
The thing of it is that people are asking each other more and more how they are doing and I have so little and so much to say that I can’t express it.
“How are you doing with all this social distancing stuff?”
“Thursday is the day I lost Clayton only and already 2 years ago. I honestly don’t know.”
It says so little and so much all at once…
