Widow's Voice

The Power of Your Name

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Dear Tin,

It’s so hard to believe that this week makes the second year I’ve had to wake up without you. I don’t know how to describe how 2 years feels like already and forever ago at the same time. Many people don’t understand that grief comes in drops, ripples, waves and flash floods. For me, this week is an emotional ocean. I see you in all the places I go. Others talk, laugh and walk right through the spaces where I see your ghost replaying our memories.

You were so supportive of the dedication and passion I poured into the animals I work with. You were always so proud to tell everyone what I do. You never complained if I had to go in early, stay late or work strange shifts. You always put the animals first before you. I can’t change the past but I just want to say thank you. Had I known you’d be gone so soon, I would have asked someone else to cover those shifts so I could spend every possible minute with you. Unfortunately, Regret is one of Grief’s many complex companions.

I know you are still with me and I know you watch over me. I know you have followed me along the way and on all of my travels. It probably goes without saying that your love and devotion for me is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. Although it’s hard to talk about losing you I know that our story is helping inspire people to embrace hope through their struggles. I know we are teaching others to feel more gratitude for their everyday. Just please know that you still are doing so much for so many now and I’m so unbelievably proud of you.

So today is the anniversary of the last day we could go out and live life together. We knew time was growing short and all you wanted was to see your favorite penguin Becky so you could say goodbye. We didn’t know this would be our last real day together. Tomorrow you’ll be too tired and confused to talk. The next day you’ll be gone and my world will shatter.

I rarely post pictures of you when you were sick. I know you’d hate that but this picture of you and Becky means so very much to me. You talked about her as if she was your own. These are the last moments we felt joy together and I’m so very grateful I have this memory. So in this special place, on this special day, I want you to meet someone very very special.

Clayton, this is Becky’s son. His name is Tin…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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