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Strongish (again)

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As the days rolled into weeks, and then became months,  strong continued to mean different things.  Things that I never previously associated with being strong.  

I learned that strong means laying on the cold, hard kitchen floor crying for three months straight. 

I discovered that strong means sobbing silently while I cook my sons dinner every night for a year.

 

Strong is a lot of things.

Strong is learning to hide my tears behind sunglasses at the grocery store.

Strong is getting up everyday to repeat a life that is nothing like the one I imagined.

Strong is making homespun, amateur attempts at creating a new life, when all I want is my old life back.

 

Widowed Words

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I was chatting and messaging back and forth with some other widowed people in a Facebook Widowed Support Group for re-partnered and remarried widowed people this morning, and the topic came up about the term CHAPTER TWO. Some widowed people refer to their new partner after loss as their “chapter two.” Some people like this […]

Toxic Perception

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Bryan, what does growing through grief look like for you? I appreciate this question because it gives me an opportunity to share that my life looks very different each day. Overtime, my weeks and months have expanded in many directions. I posted on social media earlier this week holding a flower and sharing that I […]

I miss having a person.

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I miss having a partner. A best friend who you can be your complete self around. A “go-to” person. The one you cannot wait to tell the gossip to. Or the big news–bad and good. The person that drives you absolutely crazy but you wouldn’t trade it for anything. I miss seeing my name next […]

Betwixt

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With the approach of summer and a substantial number of folks now being fully vaccinated, my sense is that at long last life might be “normalizing,” even if the continued use of masks in some quarters serves as a stark reminder that normal life tomorrow could look different. Imagine awakening one fine Spring morning to […]

The Smallest of Gestures

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Images are my own creations This past week has been abominably hard. Violently hard. Or should I say, this past week has had some abominably and violently hard moments, minutes and hours in it. Yes. That’s closer. I once heard that Christopher Reeve (aka Superman) said, after his horse-riding accident in 1995 that left him […]

Marry Me (2021 edition)

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On May 25, 2016,  he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. In 2018 when I originally wrote this, I sat re-reading those two sentences again and again and again.  I just couldn’t seem to process the words the letters were forming.  Now, nearly five years from the date, my […]

*But*

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Tonight, my sister and I went to the movies. This may not seem like a big deal, but it was. I used to go to the movies at least 3 times a month, sometimes more, after Boris died. It was one of my favorite escapes. But then a global pandemic hit, which kinda messed up […]

Just-ified

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“Just” – What a powerful word. “Were you just partners or where you married?” The word “just” has the power to completely negate every thought, word, blog, good deed I’ve ever done in Clayton’s honor. To some, we were “just”. Clayton and I were planning on getting engaged and married. If you are planning to […]

Last Friday

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Hey Everyone! So today will be my last Friday Widows Voice post. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. I will still be writing here. I just cannot do Fridays anymore, due to my nutty work / multiple job schedule. Ive been fitting in my posts in between my morning and afternoon work shifts, which Im […]

Untitled and Off the Cuff

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As many, if not most readers will know firsthand, grief shows up in myriad ways, often unexpectedly. I have been a widower for less than one year now, but already I have melted down driving home from the grocery store, reviewing tax documents with my accountant in her office, stumbling upon a dusty file or […]