Last year, Nick and I were living in our rented apartment together, and we hosted our first Thanksgiving there. Due to the pandemic, it was a very small gathering. It was just us, my parents, and my brother. Since my parents had survived covid and hospital stays with covid to boot, we were all extra […]
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Moments Under A Mask
Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded by the first Fall after losing Clayton and I had no idea how to handle things. Here came the gatherings, the […]
Grief & Fitbit
I remember when Boris and I both got Fitbit watches. We were both so excited for this new “thing” that everyone was doing and we had fun competing with each other. We went on a trip to New York and we got like 18,000 steps one day, which was very exciting. After a year or […]
Trouble in Paradise?
I met Robyn on one of those dating sites. She was not the first woman I dated after Lee died. We hit things off instantly, though initially I would not have been able to explain to you why this was the case. The truth is, we don’t have as much in common as you […]
CAN IT BE POSSIBLE . . .
. . . THAT OUR SONG BEGINS AGAIN? Adjusting to a daily work schedule, a new work environment, and an entirely new set of applications and procedures left me distracted enough this week that I forgot what day it was. So here I am, for the first time since July, typing my blog on […]
Mourning and Evening Glories
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning Glories”, comprised of Charlotte, Gordon, Michelle, Pamela and me. We met in early November 2018 in Toronto at “Camp Widow”, organised […]
Birthdays and Beginnings
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I didn’t want to celebrate that I was alive another year. I felt tremendous guilt and I thought that […]
Nearing Season’s End
This week I am on a scouting mission to Deer Tick Manor in advance of its unofficial closing on November 29. As I sit down to begin this week’s post, I have not gotten much done today beyond filling my vehicle with “cheap” gas, visiting my neighbors, talking with Robyn a couple times, and baking […]
WE CELEBRATE DIA DE LOS MUERTOS
IN HONOR OF OUR BELOVED DEAD Lady La Muerte The Lady La Muerte arrives in her finest gown Covered with butterflies, up and down; her dress the color of la muerte; her hat needs the bull fighter’s suerte; From afar la familia muerta looks on, To one special cowboy we are drawn, — […]
A Run of Good Luck?
Main image by Dustin Humes on Unsplash I have been wanting to write something about numbers, number patterns, and time, for a while. And specifically that I couldn’t help but notice, some three or four weeks ago, that I hadn’t had another “significant loss” for a while. I feel blessed. No new, massive, significant, life-altering […]
Age is Just a Number When You’re Dead
Today is the birthday of Don Shepherd. (November 6th. This was written yesterday.) He would have turned 57. Im pretty sure. Ive lost track. Does it even matter? A decade after his sudden death, do the numbers really matter? Yes. I suppose. And also, not really. Ten years into this life-altering loss, the concept of […]
Year Five… It is not what you think
Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021. For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was looming. This year, I don’t feel dread about his death date. The truth is, I don’t feel anything really. This is not easy to admit because it makes me feel like a bad widow. It makes me feel like people will think I didn’t love him. And, worst of all it makes me wonder if I am less devoted to him than I thought I was.
I feel sad that I am not sad. All these new and uncomfortable thoughts make me feel out of sorts. I am wrestling with my emotions because I don’t feel heartbroken the way I have in years past; but, I am grateful because this is far less challenging to sort out than the raw grief I felt in other Novembers. As I approach my fifth year without him, I don’t feel an endless longing for him anymore. Instead, I feel a type of acceptance.